Have You Forgotten...

This past year and a half I have walked through the valley of "Adult Orphanhood". I'm sure some of you who are reading this have gone before me and others of you may be facing this valley with deep grief or feelings of fear and great sadness.

I'm not sure that I met this valley with deep fear or sadness because it would have been so very selfish of me to have held my mother and father to this world when Heaven awaited them and so did complete healing. Instead, I met this valley with a sense of numbness and an uncomfortable freedom that I have not had in my adult life or really any part of my life as far back as I can remember.

No longer being someone's daughter has caused me to have a loss of identity. There's a part of my make up that always wanted to please my parents by being a person of integrity, successful, beautiful and a person who used my gifts and talents to the fullest extent of my ability. There's a part of me who realizes that while I made a great effort, I never fully accomplished those things and that makes me sad. Now that they are no longer physically a part of my life anymore, I have realized that pleasing them was a large part of the reason behind doing a lot of the things but I was deceved into thinking that I wanted to do them. I've just begun to realize that I don't have to do those things anymore...and maybe that I never really did. I'm not talking about morality or integrity here. I don't want to rebel, I don't want to be anything less than those things, but what I've begun to look at more strongly is the use of my gifts and talents - and I'm beginning to realize that I've forgotten...

There was a time in my life that I used to sing just because I loved to sing - I wasn't pursuing a career, I wasn't trying to impress anyone or send a message or share the Gospel. I just sang because it was fun. There was a time in my life when I loved painting walls and rearranging furniture and making a worn out piece of furniture beautiful - not to impress anyone or sell it or get a return for my investment in a home - but rather, out of the sheer joy of creating something beautiful that once had little to no value. I used to bake cakes and brew salsa just because it all tasted good,  not just to prepare a meal and eat so that I could rest and veg out in front of the tv and clear my head of the stresses of the day. I could continue, but the point I'm trying to make is that I have forgotten how to just enjoy living. Have you?

I've begun to question whether the church I have attended for nearly 30 years is the place I'm called to serve from here forward or if God is leading elsewhere. Suddenly it no longer feels like home anymore and I'm detached and disconnected from what used to be a place of safety and familiarity. I've begun to sift through my own beliefs to see areas of conviction and areas of freedom I never saw before now. I've begun to question my calling to ministry and what exactly that means...and whether seminary is really where I need to be or if I need to just get in the trenches in missions. 

God has shaken me at the foundation of my being and I needed it. He has begun to show me the darkness of doing things out of a sense of obligation not out of the outpouring of love and how quickly works - even good works - can cause frustration and anger when He has not been at the root of it....and that can be ministry too.

A lot of us have grown up as good kids who subscribed to such legalism in our walks with the Lord. We had to do and be and say all the right things or else risk condemnation. Some of us put this pressure on ourselves and chose professions that were noble, knowing full well we weren't going to be happy or fulfilled in those professions. Others of us chose to fly under the radar and not achieve because it felt too far out of reach and it was just easier to settle than strive.

Is this a mid-life crisis? I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm in a place right now where I'm sifting my passion for music, my call to ministry and the absence of fun in my life. Recreational fun.

I have forgotten how to play. I've forgotten how to just do things out of sheer enjoyment without obligation. I don't know how to rest or relax without multi-tasking. I'm unable to fully engage in a creative project without worrying about the cost or the budget - so I just don't do them anymore.

I miss that part of myself...but I honestly don't know where to begin....

I had a dream the other night and I think that this is what God was showing me. I have forgotten how to just be. Everytime I get close to rediscovering that part of my humanity, I get stalled in the name of responsibility, ministry, man-pleasing and serving God and step back over into the darkness of adulthood....and I grow sad and angry and resent it.

I wonder - Have you fogotten too? Is all this anger and rage that we see on social media and in the news coming out because others have forgotten how to just be or how to play and enjoy living and actually liking life on this big planet God created for us to enjoy. This isn't about abandoning our responsibilities or quitting our jobs. This is about reconnecting with who we are, how God made us and that He made us to enjoy Him and glorify Him in all that we say, do and are....take a moment to look around you -- look at the beauty and creativity of His Creation and see His joy in creating these things for our enjoyment - the humor, the color, the music, the aesthetic beauty, the sound, the smell the sight of it all -- it's amazing! And yet, how many of us forget to notice...forget to thank Him, forget to enjoy it...see my point?

You know, if we're not careful, we can gain the whole world and lose our souls - the part of our humanity that is childlike - filled with wonder. If we get bogged down in the hardness of living, we can lose our direction and become angry, resentful and just tired. I think that's what has happened to me....and that's hard for me to admit. I've been so focused on being the "good child" that I've forgotten to be just the child....

I'm tired. I'm weary and I'm worn - and I'm confessing that a big part of it is because I've forgotten how to play. I don't know how to start and that makes me want to weep for days. I think I'm afraid to cry because I know it will be a flood and won't end. I'm afraid to feel because it hurts too much.

Adulthood is hard. Adult Orphanhood is different and uncomfortably free. I know I'm not the only one out there who is walking in this valley. Have you forgotten too?

Take a moment to read Matthew 6, focusing particularly on verses 24 through 34 and you'll see it. We can't serve two masters - money and God. We can't just be grown ups all the time and lose our sense of wonder - Consider the birds and the lilies (Creation) - take a minute to look at them in all their glory - Remember that God created them and he will take care of them - and us too....

I ask for your prayers as I learn to be a child again. Not childish - but a child. Lord fill my heart with wonder and awe, so I can see and create and enjoy living again.... oh how I miss it!

Now go - go have fun -- eat dessert first! 

Refuse to Strike the Rock - Exercise in Faith and Self-Control

This week I have been reading through the book of Exodus. I've enjoyed many Bible studies on Moses and the Israelites leaving Egypt and going to the Promised Land, but I must say this week I have gained some new insights as well as had some first hand experience with exercising faith and self-control.

Moses was a chosen man from an early age. He was born during a time of turmoil where his life was in danger. His dear mother took a step of faith in trusting God to protect Moses, not knowing about his future - but she loved God and trusted that He would care for Moses. Moses grew up in Pharaoh's home - he was beloved and likely spoiled, too. But he had a sense of loyalty to his family and his people.

As he grew older, Moses interacted more with the Israelites who were being treated unfairly. He had a strong sense of justice and decided to take matters in his own hands by killing a slave master for being cruel. This crime sent him into the wilderness to hide for 40 years. Although murder is not ordained by God, He had a plan for Moses. Moses lived a hard life and learned to survive and navigate the wilderness in that 40 years. Moses learned about self-control, survival and he also learned to hear the voice of God. Moses had two flaws to his personality - poor self-confidence and a short temper. He also had two amazing character traits too - wisdom and leadership. God saw that - He saw Moses' strengths and his weaknesses too and had a good plan to use Moses to carry out His promise to deliver His chosen people.

What I noticed as I was reading this again, was how clear God was in giving instructions to Moses regarding his calling and also how he was to approach Pharaoh. He even told Moses and Aaron what Pharaoh would do and how he would react. How many times in our lives have we wished that God would be so clear in our now and in our future? I can't count my number of wishes! Another thing I noticed was that it didn't take the Israelites very long after their miraculous escape through the Red Sea to start belly-aching and complaining...and to start wishing for what they had left in Egypt...
God gave Moses clear instructions with regard to how He would provide for them. He gave them shade by day and light by night and he provided food, water and shelter. But they continued to complain....Moses' temper got the best of him and when God told Moses how to remedy their cries for drinkable water, instead of just tapping the rock with his staff, Moses lost control of his temper and struck the rock. Uh-oh!

Yesterday, I had an opportunity to get awfully frustrated with a situation that was just beyond my control. It was a situation that does not warrant details but it was so stressful that I went to bed and woke up with a migraine. I felt completely hopeless with how to solve the problem satisfactorily and at rock bottom even to pray over it. But God showed me something new in this passage of Scripture and asked me a question - Are you going to strike the rock?

As I prayed, I confessed and stood my ground that I would not strike the rock, but that I needed God's help desperately. I asked Him to set my mind on solid ground, reminding me to trust Him and not try to solve this issue on my own. My sleep was fitful and I felt like I tossed and turned all night, mainly because my head was pounding, but God had a word for me when I awakened.

I receive a beautiful devotional from Dan Graham every morning and it's all Scripture. He ties different verses together and so many times I have heard God speak to me through them. This morning the words said, Trust me and I will lift you above your circumstances..."

When I got to work the phone was ringing off the hook, my head was pounding and my normally strong unsweet tea was not unsweet but sugary sweet! Truly a Calgon take me away moment!  I bowed my head and prayed, merely saying, Lord you promised that if I would trust You, You would lift me above my circumstances....I'd love it if that could happen soon but I refuse to strike the rock in frustration.

We all get frustrated - we all have bad days - but God keeps His promises...

A short time after lunch, I received a phone call and the person on the other side of the phone was my answer to prayer. Her words, actions and humility spoke my answer to prayer. It was all I could do to keep my composure while I was on the phone with her. Once I put the receiver down, I wept in thankfulness to the Lord. He told me on the way to work that I needed to cry a little today - partly because Mother's day is approaching and this is the 2nd year without my Mom. Partly because I needed to grieve this situation that had hit so hard and so unexpectedly.

My tears were necessary - my headache is gone and I have been able to share of God's work and miracle and answer to prayer with others today...I believe refusing to strike the rock had something to do with it. I didn't perform the miracle - I have no power to do so. I didn't force God to answer prayer, but by exercising the fruit of the Spirit of self-control, I refused to strike the rock out of frustration and just stomp my feet in anger. Instead, I made a conscious choice to honor God, trust Him and believe that He would keep His promises.

Sometimes God calls us to act on our belief in situations like this. Please understand that I'm not bragging about what I did. No - this is growth for me. We live in a culture of entitlement. We demand instead of asking - we expect instant results and perfection beyond reality. God expects different behavior - we have the fruits of the Spirit within us but they have to be developed. Learning to exercise self-control is hard. Patience too. I now find myself thankful for the opportunity to be obedient.

Friends, we are commanded to work out our salvation with fear and trembling - that's not about works - it's about working out - meaning exercise...using the fruits of the Spirit will cause sore faith muscles but it will be so worth it....

Refuse to Strike the Rock...stand firm and let God work - He is Faithful!

Blessings! Amy

Blind Faith - Spiritual Sight

I've had a verse of Scripture on my mind today - all day. It's 2 Corinthians 5:7 "For we walk by faith, not by sight." The image of the childhood song "Three Blind Mice" comes into my head when I ponder that verse. Call me crazy, but that's how my brain operates. Songs and poems help me make sense of things.

https://youtu.be/8fOM08TXG8E

But I digress...Blind faith is about trust. It's about belief beyond perception. It goes against our very nature to trust in what we cannot see or perceive as mere humans. I think this is part of the reason so many people have a hard time coming to know Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. It requires believing in someone unseen and giving control of your life to One who only gives answers to questions according to His will, His Word and His timing. That's big...no, that's HUGE!

Jesus says that unless we come to Him as little children, meaning the honest and pure childlike trust, we cannot enter the Kingdom of God. (Matthew 18:3) - This is blind faith....innocent, childlike trust.

These are deep waters for someone with trust issues. This is a big step for someone who has been broken and wounded. This is a hard hard thing for a person who has not known sincere unconditional love before...really - it's a hard thing for all of us.

So how is it that some people are able to get past this and believe? How is it that some folks push past "seeing is believing" and into walking by faith and not by sight? We read stories of atheists and agnostics coming to Christ and of brilliant scientists, humanists and more laying down their knowledge of the real and touchable in blind childlike faith in Jesus as their Lord and Savior...how? How does that happen?

You know, I think it goes back to what Jesus said - it's becoming like little children. It's the curiosity, the sheer joy of relationship, the possibility of life beyond imagination that creeps into the mind of one who is searching and at that moment, the Holy Spirit reaches in and takes hold of that heart and suddenly, logic is overtaken by faith...faith in the unseen - childlike, blind faith.

Today as I read this Scripture one more time, I was pondering my own childlike faith. I've watched the transformation of a beautiful friend as she steps out in faith to obey God in a new call to ministry on her life - something she never hoped for or imagined but the curiosity and wonder in her eyes made her sparkle from head to toe. In my own life, I've rekindled that wonder and have taken a step - one step in childlike faith to go deeper in my own journey....blind faith and I feel invigorated and at peace at the same time.

I read this Scripture in a different translation today - and it shed a whole different meaning than anything I've read before....look at this:

"For we live by believing not seeing." 2 Corinthians 5:7 (NLT) 

We LIVE by believing not seeing!! Real living comes through blind faith - not hard facts....y'all!! That's huge!!

Life as we know it does not have to be mundane, boring or routine in the world of blind faith! Life becomes a much greater adventure even IN the mundane when we realize and relinquish control to Jesus as HE becomes Lord of our lives and we trust Him with every, single, boring detail.

Maybe you're someone who wants boring, dull, routine and mundane...I kind of doubt that you do. Maybe change scares you...now that's more believable.  But what if, just what if, you knew that every fine detail has been set out from the beginning of time and it plays into history, present day and future and the plans of our Creator are unfolding through every single thing we do!!! 

I don't know about you, but that changes my perspective a little bit. It changes my attitude too! Traffic jams, difficult customers, messy houses, crazy phone calls, and more just seem to be less frustrating when I KNOW that God is in control and I don't have to fix everything.

For we LIVE by BELIEVING not SEEING!! WOW! That changes my perspective on this Friday afternoon....I'm gonna get busy believing and quit asking God for all the details --- well I'm gonna sure try anyway!!

Have a great weekend!! Amy

The Land of If Only...

Do you ever get sucked into the Land of "If only..."? You know, the "if only I had ...." or If only I were.... or If only they.... or If only we.... or If only God.... What a trap those thoughts are! How much life do we waste by living in the Land of "If Only!"

I have lived in that land over and over in my lifetime. From silly decisions like not wearing sleeveless tops to postponing a fun outing with friends because I was dwelling in If Only Land, just waiting on my arms to get more toned or tanned or to lose that last 10 pounds! I've missed opportunities because I couldn't open the gate of If Only Land and walk out of it thinking, if only I had such and such or looked like so and so and the opportunity went sailing by with someone else at the helm.

Why do we do that! Why do we dream of greener grass or better times or allow ourselves to postpone life because of the if only trap? Why do we rob ourselves of peace and joy and fun and adventure in the name of what if's or if only's?? Is it pride, is it fear, is it laziness? Is it a smokescreen to hide insecurity or is it peer pressure? Stepping out of it to gain some perspective, the Land of If Only is really more like a prison cell...it's walls that have bars but a view to the other side. The door seems locked with keys just beyond our reach.

What do I mean by that? Well let's look at the first wall...

1. Fear -- fear is a big wall - fear disguises itself in many forms - it can be obvious fears - failure, change, loss, etc. or it could be fear of success, accountability, and the unknown...Fears can be realistic or unrealistic but they are paralyzing. Fear is a key holder in the land of if only. Fear holds its victims hostage, in a prison of constant unrest. If you imagine a prison cell with 3 walls of bars and a solid block wall with a window - fear would be the block wall...it's extremely difficult to break the wall of fear down in the Land of If Only, but here's a key...

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)

2. Pride - like fear, pride is a master of disguise and deception but a difficult wall to break through. Pride can be boastful and self serving but it can also be undermining and self-deprecating. How so? because both focus on self...if we postpone something because we don't want to appear less than adequate, that's pride - the focus is on self and pleasing man. Pride and fear are closely tied to one another. No wonder God hates them. They are paralyzing. Most of us understand the "puffed up" side of pride, but we never pause to learn about the "deflated" side of it. This is what I call the "spirit of < (less than)". When we allow ourselves to feel less than others or beneath a situation, this is false pride not humility. True humility understands its strengths and weaknesses objectively but false pride is a constant put down and in the land of "if only" false pride is alive and well. False pride causes a person to want more but not chase it, and then complain about not having it, which can lead to a spirit of entitlement. In the Land of If Only, pride can lead to permanent residence...but here is a key...

 "Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found
in those who take advice." Proverbs 13:10 (NIV)

3. Insecurity - If fear and pride were parents,  their offspring would be insecurity and entitlement. Insecurity is born out of a lack of trust or a loss of trust. It's rooted in fear and false pride and for a believer, it is sin. Insecurity can become an idol (functional god) in our lives if we let it. Insecure people lack the ability to trust themselves, others and God. A person with a bad case of "if only's" is grossly insecure. Insecure people blame others for their own inadequacies. Paralyzed by the fear of failure or success, an insecure person will remain trapped and ineffective, never stepping into the fullness of what they could be - but instead, dwell in the Land of If Only for a lifetime, wishing and hoping their lives away.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6(NASB)

4. Entitlement - Entitlement is the sister to insecurity. Entitlement is the more vocal side of insecurity. Entitlement is rooted in pride and is a trap laid by the enemy to cause us to feel as though we deserve more than we've been given and rob us of the joy of living in peace with ourselves and our neighbors. In the Land of If Only, entitlement causes us to believe the lie that the world is against us and that we're the victims of unfairness in society. When we subscribe to this belief system, we can lose not only our will to achieve, but the desire to become all that God intended. Placing blame on others or victimizing ourselves subscribes to false pride and an elevated sense of self and causes much confusion, stress, anger and discord both internally and externally. Consider this key...

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”?" James 4:1-23 (ESV)

5. Lies - The foundation this prison cell in the Land of If Only is found in the lies we believe. When we believe the lies of the enemy that we are less than, more than, not enough, victims, and entitled to more, we have allowed the foundation of the Land of If Only to take root in our souls. Satan is the author of lies, the founder of fear, the president of pride and the master of insecurity and the CEO of entitlement. His agenda is to steal our joy, kill our spirits and destroy our reputations and for the unbeliever - he has your name on his list to carry you straight to hell to dwell with him for all eternity. Lies can appear to be appealing and satisfying. They tickle our ears with flattery and false hope. They seize our desires by causing them to appear as though they are more than their truth. They choke out hope and destroy confidence. The sad truth about lies is that once they are revealed, the damage has already been done. The Land of If Only is landscaped with lies, but here's an important key... our minds are a playground for the lies of the enemy. Self and our sin nature causes us to believe those lies and it all started with Adam, Eve, the Serpent and a tree...(see Genesis 3)

"You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44 (NIV)

So how do we leave the Land of If Only? First, we have to grab hold of the truth and assess why we are there. This will require a realistic assessment of the lies we believe, and confessing what walls are holding us prisoner - fear, pride, insecurity, or entitlement.  Next will be the battle of the mind - shifting our minds with the truth of the Gospel allows us to gain new perspective, not only on God's will for our lives, but gives us great power over the lies of the enemy - this is vital into leaving the Land of If Only. Once we access the power of the Holy Spirit, we have weapons of Scripture to dispel the lies. Once we have accessed these two major powers, we are on our way. We must put on our spiritual armor (see Ephesians 6:10-18) and wear it all the time - the enemy has no plan for our escape, but we are victors when we place our trust in Christ. The shoes of the Good News of the Gospel give us the foothold to step through the pathway of lies. The helmet of salvation protects our minds where the great battle rages in our thought processes, the breastplate of righteousness covers our hearts and protects our spirits when we get discouraged and want to recoil in fear. The belt of truth holds the armor in place so we are able to stand firm in our journey and the sword of the Spirit pierces the darkness and cuts through the fog of deception, doubt and fear and the shield of faith gives us protection when the fires rage and the self doubt creeps in and we grow weak from the wounds and weary from the journey...Finally, Jesus holds the keys to the gate. He is the only way to escape the Land of If Only forever. He holds the keys to redemption, healing, hope and we gain access to these keys by believing Him, His Word and placing our trust fully in Him to care for our souls, ourselves and those we love.


Do you want to leave the Land of If Only? Do you even realize you've been living there? Take hold of the truth today and realize that if only's are only lies in disguise. If only's cause us misery, pain and to miss out on the abundant life Jesus came to give us. Abundant living isn't about having the latest, greatest or being perfect or the best or most of anything. It's the peace of knowing and trusting Him, His will and honoring Him by enjoying the life we have before us even in the midst of trials.

So throw on that armor and get moving...and if it's sleeveless, show off those guns - perfectly toned, tan OR NOT!! Have a great weekend!! Amy

What is it about Food?

For the past month I've been trying to eat healthier with the hope of losing some weight that I gained from the sedentary lifestyle of being a seminary student and the cold winter months that make me just want to stay inside and eat carbs. I can honestly say that my flesh is screaming and angry about it too.

I didn't make a New Year's resolution to lose weight or exercise more - just didn't want to start the New Year off with a lie. I didn't join a monthly weight loss subscription program until my husband visited his doctor and was told he could get off some of his meds if he'd lose weight and get off sugar...good advice for me too...but I have failed and failed miserably on this subscription plan and have grown to resent it.



I read an article posted by a friend addressing the issue of food and the outward appearance of being overweight as affecting our testimony as Christians. This article was written to pastors by another pastor who had fought the battle of weight and food addiction and was spoken out of sincere love and concern for pastors to be accountable as leaders of their flocks and to lead by example. He addressed some areas of focus that I thought were good - but he left out one important component that I'm going to address in this blog. I'll put the link to his article at the bottom of this page. 

The one area he didn't address was how food can be an idol. You might be thinking, how on earth could food be an idol?!? Well, let's look at the definition of idolatry - the worship of a physical object as a god 2. immoderate attachment or devotion to something (Source https://www.Merriam-Webster.com/dictionary/idolatry). Now we may not be bowing down and saying prayers to our Big Mac or Sonic tea, but look at the words "immoderate attachment or devotion" -- wow! How often do we say we can't start the day without our coffee (substitute any drink or food here) or we're not functional? How often do we coin phrases to include food? How much time do we spend shopping for, preparing, eating, storing, cleaning up, dining out? How about the money? If we analyzed our spending, how much of it goes toward the purchase of food/drink? We post pictures of our food more than pictures of our loved ones. We post pictures of ourselves dining out or enjoying drinks with friends. We celebrate with food on any occasion -- happy or sad...and the snack industry contributes to the world economy at an alarming rate.

The truth is, we are immersed in a culture where food is a god. There are networks devoted to shows about food 24/7/365. There are restaurants of every kind popping up seemingly everywhere and now smart entrepreneurs are even renovating RVs and campers into food trucks to go to the customer in the name of free enterprise. 

I could bore you to tears with statistics and diagrams, but I think you get the point. Food is a functional god - Food is not bad - but if our focus is more centered on food than it is on glorifying God, then it's likely we have made food a functional god - idol.

This is not something new or earth shattering - but it's a call to accountability because what I see in the diet industry is the same focus on food as a functional god. If you eat this, you'll lose weight. If you keep up with "this many points" per day you will have freedom from food...again, the focus is on what goes in your mouth much more than the words that come out of it or the spiritual food of Scripture.

We have fallen victim to the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil in our idolatry of food. It was food that the serpent used to tempt Eve to sin. It was food that Eve used to tempt Adam too...and it's been food since that time. Jesus was tempted by the enemy in the area of food too - Jesus was tempted by the enemy in the area of food too but he was victorious over it and remained sinless even in great hunger after a 40 day fast in the wilderness - "The tempter came to Him and said, “If You are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” But Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” Matthew 3:3-4

So the $1,000,000 question is this - how do we lay down an idol that sustains us and keeps us alive? How do shift our focus away from it and toward a Holy God? I think it starts with a heart of true repentance. I think it's also a matter of confession too - laying it at the cross and surrendering it daily, hourly, minute by minute if necessary.

I am absolutely an idolater when it comes to food - call me a foodie, call me an addict, call me whatever you want - my outward symptoms of carrying excess weight tell it all. I love healthy food, I love junk food, I love high fat, low fat, and all in between. I enjoy meals with friends or quiet times dining alone - and I don't mind a drive thru dinner in the car occasionally either. I'm also guilty by choice - no one has made me do this, it's not my past wounds or difficult childhood - I just like food of all kinds! But I'm also angry about it...angry at myself, angry that the enemy has a hold on me in this area and that I am not using the power of self-control - a heavy-weight fruit of the Spirit.

I hope that this blog post will rally the troops -- those of you, who, like me, may be carrying extra weight around (or not), who love to eat good food, who cannot blame anything other than that on the extra pounds - to figure out a way beyond this stupid gazillion dollar diet industry to lay this life strangling idol down at the cross for good.

I'm so mad at the money I've spent on diets and books and online "freedom" plans that don't work. I am so angry about failing with this subscription diet plan because it's put my focus even more on food because all day long I have to put what I eat in their online diary and calculate the points I have consumed to absolute nauseum. It's time consuming and expensive and my rebellious spirit just doesn't like giving part of my day to it. I'm beyond exhausted of the cycle of defeat I feel when I step on the scale every week to see that I've lost and gained the same 4 pounds over and over. And yes, I'm tired of carrying around the evidence of my idolatry around in the form of excess weight, hurting joints and the prison of shame because of it.

I'm guilty as charged. But as I face this coming weekend where Jesus conquered Death and Hell and gave His life for my sins so that I could live eternally for and with Him, I find a renewed sense of responsibility to live it out on a greater platform - because I know I'm not alone in this battle. I KNOW there are people who are victorious in this who are out there who desire to pull others out of the muck of idolatry and mostly, I am responsible for living a life that glorifies my Father in all areas of my life - but in this area of my life, I am weak and I know He is made strong in my weakness.

We can call it food addiction if we want to - but the reality is we can fast for a short time, but we can't stop eating altogether - and that's what makes this such a hard thing for many of us. We are encouraged not to waste food and for some, we do pacify feelings or satisfy our stress overload by eating but the fact remains, food is still a very real part of our lives.

The pastor that wrote the article that I mentioned earlier was sincere in his appeal to those who shepherd the flock as ministers. He was right that they should lead by example - but the truth is, any of us who bear the name of Jesus as Christians should also lead by example - not out of self-glorification of having perfect bodies as we stand before those under our care - but in being real and transparent with our struggles and working to exhibit and use all the fruits of the Spirit, including self-control over all things, not just food.

I'm being painfully transparent here but I'm asking for help from those of you who have been more than conquerors in this area. I don't want diet advice - I want to know how you gained freedom from loving food. How did you gain power of self-control over it? What steps did you take to gain the confidence through Christ to overcome the power that food has over your mind, body and soul?

I'm asking you to pray for me and for each other as we seek to be whole and lay down this functional god in our lives. I am also asking for those who have been more than conquerors to offer a hand of brotherhood to those who struggle.

Here's the link I promised if you want to read more: 4 Tough Questions Every Pastor Needs to Ask

Praying for y'all! Let's learn to walk in Victory! Amy

Who Is It that Discouraged you?

I don't know if it's the time change, too much caffeine or if it's just the change of seasons, but I have had a busy mind these last few nights and just haven't slept well. Sometimes when I have trouble sleeping, the Lord will lay someone or something on my heart to pray over and as I pray I will fall into a very peaceful sleep - but last night it was the opposite. Even though I was asleep my mind seemed to be caught in a circle of wanderings and wonderings about my past regrets and present pathways, leaving me feeling discouraged, frustrated and sad.

Suddenly the Lord startled me awake with a stern question - "Who is it that discouraged you, Amy?" My eyes opened and my heart was pounding and I knew it was my Father speaking. I must admit that at first it made me uneasy because of the tone of His voice - it wasn't angry, but it was firm as to address the seriousness of the matter. I just wasn't quite ready to name names because I feared something - whether it was the fear of His wrath on those who wounded His child or whether it was the harsh reality of seeing the pattern of those who discouraged me as providing protection for my own good... 

There are some in my past who I thought were trustworthy people of honor,  who would help me to catch the dream who, instead, crushed it and caused me to lose hope - there are others who never uttered a word of encouragement, which left me wondering if they were choosing to remain silent in order to spare me from their opinions or if they just didn't buy into my dream...either way, it still caused deep wounds that have not healed. I must admit I had to include myself  - and that rattles my cage a little bit. 

This verse came to mind - "If anyone causes one of these little ones--those who believe in me--to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." Matthew 18:6 

We are responsible for our words and how we handle the dreams of others when they share something so precious with us. Dreams are intimate treasures that I believe are God-given. When we are only able to see things from a selfish or analytical standpoint, it seems logical to share reasons why a dream isn't possible - but God's Word is full of impossible situations - so if He gives the dream, can't He be trusted to see to that those dreams are fulfilled?

The memories and pain that I have carried because of the ones who have crushed my dreams (self-included) have been harder to forget and harder to forgive than any other challenge of my life. I'm certain I beat myself up more often than anyone for choices I've made and opportunities I should have taken. But the ones who have either vocally or silently crushed them have done greater damage than I have realized until today.

Another verse comes to mind - "For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

Rest assured that the major enemy is Satan - he is the great dream crusher and discourager - but he's not very creative. He will use our weaknesses against us and they are usually the direct opposite of our spiritual gifts. One of my strongest spiritual gifts is encouragement/exhortation - the enemy knows that one of my weaknesses is discouragement/criticism. Words are my love language - and he uses words against me. He also likes to hold us captive in unforgiveness and bitterness.

Consider your own spiritual gifts and weaknesses - are they opposites? You can usually recognize that you have moved outside the Holy Spirit's guidance when your own behavior acts in direct opposition to your spiritual gifts or the fruits of the spirit. Those with great faith, can be paralyzed with great fear. Those with discernment can harbor harsh criticism and distrust. Administrators can become nit-picky and petty. Prophets can turn to unfair judgment and condemnation and become downright mean....and the list goes on. 

Never forget that the enemy will use your greatest weakness against you every. single. time...without fail. But the Holy Spirit is our Comforter and His Word encourages, admonishes and breathes truth over the lies that the enemy tells.

I've had to let go of the worry that naming names to God and simply obey Him in answering His question. And I'm working toward forgiveness by trusting Him to deal with those who have hurt me as He deals with me - after all I'm one of the guilty. I know that in His infinite mercy, He acts for my good and His glory. My lesson in all of this is to be honest with myself and with Him - not condemn or crush my dreams and to remember that people may hurt or crush my dreams, but it's not really flesh and blood - it's the lies of the enemy, Satan at the root of their harm.

Be encouraged, dear friend - if you are guilty of crushing your own dreams, or if you have been deeply wounded by another who has been unkind - take your hurts honestly to the Father and work through them and seek to forgive them and yourself. I never imagined He would be kind enough to jar me awake with such a question, but I'm glad He did. Facing the giant of my own self-defeating words has been a hard pill to swallow but has allowed me an opportunity to view it honestly, forgive myself and assess just how damaging the need for man's approval can be. The truth is, we are encouraged to seek wise counsel and ask advice from experts - but if we go to man before we seek counsel from the Lord then we've gotten things out of order.

Sometimes our need for a quick answer can cause more damage than good - especially in matters that are near and dear to us like dreams. Trusting God with our dreams requires great trust - and sometimes great patience too...

I'm still wrestling with this dream of mine - now it's become a matter of timing - but I still hope for a day when I will see the answers revealed...in the meantime, my newest assignment is to stop crushing my dreams and instead trust God with them.

Much love! Amy

You've Got a Friend

I love Spring time in the South! Everything starts turning green and the weather begins to warm up too...and of course the pollen wreaks havoc with clean cars, windows and allergies. But what I've noticed mostly is that as the days get longer, my outlook becomes more positive and I'm just happier. I get over my low moments more often and I tend to laugh more.

I'm a contemplative soul though and sometimes I'm inclined toward over thinking (I can hear my girlfriends laughing now - they know inclination is an understatement) - anyway.... there are times when I'm deeply affected by situations outside my control - it could be the horrific cruelty to animals that I see on social media, a sick or missing family member and the outcries for prayer by their loved ones or situations that come to me unexpectedly. It's during those times that music finds its way into my heart to soothe and encourage my spirit. I can hear a familiar song but interpret it at a much deeper level or read a familiar passage in Scripture and feel it more deeply and grab hold of truths I need just at that moment in time. I'm certain that this is not based on my intellect or ability, but rather, it is the Holy Spirit's gentle way of speaking to me in the love language of my soul.

We are created beings - we dwell in earthly vessels that will die and return to dust - but the "real" person of who we are remains eternally. That's a deep and difficult concept to understand for me. I know that my earthen vessel, this costume, this flawed temple dies a little every day and I move one step closer to eternity without the aches and pains of it. 

Yesterday was the 11th anniversary of my earthly father's passing into eternity. Someone asked me if I was sad or if waves of grief had hit because of that anniversary. Honestly, I wasn't sad at all. I'm glad I remembered the day because it was the day that Dad was freed from a broken and diseased body and projected into eternity - victorious over sin and death. I have the beautiful hope of seeing him fully alive again in Heaven. I did, however, have a momentary wave of wonder - of wondering if my present frustrations would ever end...the wondering if my dreams would ever come to fruition or if the scale would ever move beyond the 4 pounds I have lost twice in two weeks...

And then, a song came to me - literally as I processed these thoughts - this song - one that I have loved forever came to me....Bridge Over Troubled Waters This ties into last week's blog "Bridges" so well because of the visual that God had given me about my own personal purpose of being a bridge....but this particular song spoke to me at a whole new level. Look at the lyrics:

Bridge over Troubled Water

Simon & Garfunkel

When you're weary, feeling small

When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all (all)

I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough

And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

When you're down and out

When you're on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you (ooo)

I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl

Sail on by

Your time has come to shine

All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine

Oh, if you need a friend

I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind

Songwriters: Paul Simon

Bridge over Troubled Water lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

As I listened and read the lyrics, I felt all those things, but what changed was the view of the person "on my side" or who "will comfort" or who will "ease my mind" from a physical human to that of the Holy Spirit, given to me by Jesus, the One who is always on my side, always a friend, always my Comfortor and the ONE who laid Himself down over the troubled waters of sin so that I can pass from this life and into eternity...

Today, I received an email from a sweet woman whose family is in crisis due to an unexpected job loss - this dear family has always been on the giving side of helping people but never on the receiving side. God gave me this song to encourage her spirit - with a whole new meaning to give her hope for brighter days. He has given me a journey through financial pain through unexpected sickness and job loss so that I could feel her pain and empathize more personally, equipped to encourage her, not out of shallow "it will be okays", but rather, God is faithful and can be trusted to act for our good and His glory.

I still resist the hard times as most of us do, but I've learned that the lessons we learn in the valley are never just for me to avoid pitfalls - instead they are meant to use to honor the two most important commandments - love God and love people. Loving Him by sharing Him with others and keeping His Word and loving people by encouraging them with His Word and His promises.

When you're weary - feeling low....when tears are in your eyes - I will dry them all - I'm on your side...me (Amy). Like a bridge over troubled waters, I'll lay down for you and help you get to the other side of your crisis -- but you know what - there is One greater -- who laid down His Life for you -- Jesus...the Great I AM. He is there for you - always. Trust Him.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 10:13 (KJV)