I'm making a confession to y'all this evening that some will find shocking - most will not - my dearest friends will smile when they read this for they know I've struggled most of my (ok ALL of my life) with this...I'm a recovering perfectionist. This is my Achilles' heel and is something that truly follows me around like my shadow.
As the Lord would have it, I lead a beautiful group of ladies in Bible study on Sunday mornings at our church. They amaze me with their talent and passion for serving Christ - and we are drawn together because of our "artsy-ness" and our passion for Christ. We have been studying a great book by Rory Noland called "The Heart of the Artist". It addresses the temperaments, behaviors, traits, strengths and weaknesses of the artist and challenges its readers to seek God's will in using this artistic talent in the local church as well as in the global church and as we carry out the Great Commission too. Well, as with most studies, I usually get to be involved as the "lab rat" - the guinea pig per se. And this week has proven to be exactly that.
I know that those of you who read this blog are busy people. Have you ever had one of those weeks when busy just didn't seen to adequately describe your daily activity -- not enough hours in the day, not enough holes in the schedule, phone ringing off the hook, legitimate and urgent needs flying your way and sudden changes of schedule that seemingly make no sense whatsoever....ok - that was my week. I'm not complaining but I do find my head spinning when I reflect back on it.
I won't bore you with all the details but let me just say this. I prayed for a job or a business where I could do the things I love doing every day - God heard me and my goodness!! -- I've used every single ability, creative energy, spiritual gift and talent that I have in some form or fashion this week. I think God was reminding me that He hears my prayers even when I'm not really seeking Him for a real and true immediate answer and I was also tested on my need to be perfect and to have that perfectionism fed by human admiration...oh my!
This past week I found myself packing boxes at two houses, arranging flowers for a wedding, preparing music to sing at same wedding, making and canning jelly and salsa, setting up sound equipment, counseling two frazzled friends, making sandwiches and spreads for moving day, singing at the rehearsal, making a new cd for the wedding because the old one didn't sound right...studying for this Sunday school lesson, studying for the Bible study on Wednesday nights, straightening up my house because it's on the market too, and running errands for my husband as well as trying to keep him calm over running sound because he was called in at the last minute when the other one cancelled for same wedding...I was just about to be a wreck when the wedding started.
This most beautiful bride strolled down the aisle. I've known her since she was a toddler and to see her beautiful face and know that her life is now going to be complete with a wonderful man just made tears come to my eyes. Getting caught up in the emotion of a wedding is a dangerous thing for a singer - a recovering perfectionist - who has had way too much caffeine and way too little sleep...her mother is like a sister to me and to see her lip quiver was just about more than I could stand...and then my turn to sing came...here we go. Object lesson for tomorrow's lesson...
Track starts on new cd. Track sounds a little high for me but I thought it was doable - and it was until the last run of the last line...emotions hit, voice cracks and I sound like a wailing cat on a hot tin roof....I don't know what the audience heard but I wanted to crawl up under the tablecloth of the nearest table and just hide. I had on my leopard dress and my sparkly pin and my hair and makeup just like I wanted...but those notes were enough to make me want to stay in the bathroom for the rest of the night....UGH!
Funny how God knew this was coming...he's that way you know. I had just studied the lesson and in it was a reminder to let God love me - to not be so hard on myself - and to remember that the goal of using our gifts and talents for God is for people to be led to worship and see Jesus - not to see or worship us the artist...it was also the reminder that we wouldn't let other people talk to us the way we talk to ourselves...oh that one stung! After I finished that song, I sat down and the bashing began....you know how it goes -- all the why's, wherefore's, but's, self- kicking, blah blah blah! And sure enough, there were a few compliments, but not a lot - I didn't expect any at all and the ones I received were very hard to receive graciously to be honest...because it just wasn't perfect and even though what happened was completely out of my control - I still took the brunt of the punishment because of it and I was the main one doing the punishing - satan was the other one who also pointed a finger of judgement through the lack of approving words from people that I thought might be kind enough to say something but didn't...oh the love of all that is good in this world....I need a 12 step program for perfectionism!
Anyway, the bride and groom were so precious and gracious and though they said it was beautiful, I'm not sure they really heard anything and that's just fine with me. They'll get a good laugh when they watch the video and hopefully it won't show up on YouTube for the world to hear! (Please Amanda and Heath!!)
The point to writing all this is -- perfectionism isn't from God. It's very self-centered and self-defeating because it places success completely out of reach. Excellence is from God. Preparing and doing our very best is what pleases Him - and if technology or stress or fatigue cause a glitch in our performances, we must be willing to let go of it and let God use it for greater good. My prayer for what happened tonight was that people won't remember what I did wrong but that they will remember the beauty of two people making a lifetime commitment and covenant of marriage and that God was lifted up in their vows and in the love that was in that room this evening. If all they remember is what I did wrong...than my motives in singing were all wrong to begin with and their focus was on me and not on God...I confess to you that in this moment, I remember the good and the beauty of that place and the love in the room but I'm still remembering the wrong too...please pray I forget it and forgive myself because confessing it before you guys and before my Sunday school class tomorrow is going to be painful enough.
Most days, I pursue excellence - and arranging those precious sunflowers for this beautiful wedding was just that - creative and artistic and excellent. I was so much freer doing that and didn't worry that every sunflower stood exactly the same or looked perfect - why can't I give myself that same freedom? I honestly don't know...but I hope one day that I'll be able to. I know I'll have a lot more fun singing and the stress of it won't be near as bad - or won't seem as bad when I do...
To those of you who can relate closely to my story and my long ramblings - you are a recovering perfectionist too, I'm guessing. May I share this word of encouragement with you? "Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that NOTHING you do for His Kingdom is a waste of time or effort." 1 Corinthians 15:58. This is my life verse and I'm going to have to say it over and over tonight in order to let it flood my mind so I can forget my mistake. May I encourage you to do the same when you beat yourself up because of a mistake too? Will you let God love you just the way you are and give Him the power to use even that mistake to bless somebody? Will you begin to lay down the self-esteem thing as an idol and pick up the covering of Christ to make you whole and complete by knowing who you are in Christ? Can you find a way to be comfortable in your own skin and stop trying to please man?
I know - these are loaded questions -and I'm asking them of myself too. I don't like to make mistakes - I don't like for others to point out my mistakes either - because it only magnifies my own self-degradation. I long to be free of this thorn called perfectionism - but I kind of think it may be the very thing that keeps me clinging to the cross of Christ, and all the mercy and grace that comes with it. How 'bout you?
Until next time, Be blessed in the Name of the Lord!!! I love ya! Amy
As the Lord would have it, I lead a beautiful group of ladies in Bible study on Sunday mornings at our church. They amaze me with their talent and passion for serving Christ - and we are drawn together because of our "artsy-ness" and our passion for Christ. We have been studying a great book by Rory Noland called "The Heart of the Artist". It addresses the temperaments, behaviors, traits, strengths and weaknesses of the artist and challenges its readers to seek God's will in using this artistic talent in the local church as well as in the global church and as we carry out the Great Commission too. Well, as with most studies, I usually get to be involved as the "lab rat" - the guinea pig per se. And this week has proven to be exactly that.
I know that those of you who read this blog are busy people. Have you ever had one of those weeks when busy just didn't seen to adequately describe your daily activity -- not enough hours in the day, not enough holes in the schedule, phone ringing off the hook, legitimate and urgent needs flying your way and sudden changes of schedule that seemingly make no sense whatsoever....ok - that was my week. I'm not complaining but I do find my head spinning when I reflect back on it.
I won't bore you with all the details but let me just say this. I prayed for a job or a business where I could do the things I love doing every day - God heard me and my goodness!! -- I've used every single ability, creative energy, spiritual gift and talent that I have in some form or fashion this week. I think God was reminding me that He hears my prayers even when I'm not really seeking Him for a real and true immediate answer and I was also tested on my need to be perfect and to have that perfectionism fed by human admiration...oh my!
This past week I found myself packing boxes at two houses, arranging flowers for a wedding, preparing music to sing at same wedding, making and canning jelly and salsa, setting up sound equipment, counseling two frazzled friends, making sandwiches and spreads for moving day, singing at the rehearsal, making a new cd for the wedding because the old one didn't sound right...studying for this Sunday school lesson, studying for the Bible study on Wednesday nights, straightening up my house because it's on the market too, and running errands for my husband as well as trying to keep him calm over running sound because he was called in at the last minute when the other one cancelled for same wedding...I was just about to be a wreck when the wedding started.
This most beautiful bride strolled down the aisle. I've known her since she was a toddler and to see her beautiful face and know that her life is now going to be complete with a wonderful man just made tears come to my eyes. Getting caught up in the emotion of a wedding is a dangerous thing for a singer - a recovering perfectionist - who has had way too much caffeine and way too little sleep...her mother is like a sister to me and to see her lip quiver was just about more than I could stand...and then my turn to sing came...here we go. Object lesson for tomorrow's lesson...
Track starts on new cd. Track sounds a little high for me but I thought it was doable - and it was until the last run of the last line...emotions hit, voice cracks and I sound like a wailing cat on a hot tin roof....I don't know what the audience heard but I wanted to crawl up under the tablecloth of the nearest table and just hide. I had on my leopard dress and my sparkly pin and my hair and makeup just like I wanted...but those notes were enough to make me want to stay in the bathroom for the rest of the night....UGH!
Funny how God knew this was coming...he's that way you know. I had just studied the lesson and in it was a reminder to let God love me - to not be so hard on myself - and to remember that the goal of using our gifts and talents for God is for people to be led to worship and see Jesus - not to see or worship us the artist...it was also the reminder that we wouldn't let other people talk to us the way we talk to ourselves...oh that one stung! After I finished that song, I sat down and the bashing began....you know how it goes -- all the why's, wherefore's, but's, self- kicking, blah blah blah! And sure enough, there were a few compliments, but not a lot - I didn't expect any at all and the ones I received were very hard to receive graciously to be honest...because it just wasn't perfect and even though what happened was completely out of my control - I still took the brunt of the punishment because of it and I was the main one doing the punishing - satan was the other one who also pointed a finger of judgement through the lack of approving words from people that I thought might be kind enough to say something but didn't...oh the love of all that is good in this world....I need a 12 step program for perfectionism!
Anyway, the bride and groom were so precious and gracious and though they said it was beautiful, I'm not sure they really heard anything and that's just fine with me. They'll get a good laugh when they watch the video and hopefully it won't show up on YouTube for the world to hear! (Please Amanda and Heath!!)
The point to writing all this is -- perfectionism isn't from God. It's very self-centered and self-defeating because it places success completely out of reach. Excellence is from God. Preparing and doing our very best is what pleases Him - and if technology or stress or fatigue cause a glitch in our performances, we must be willing to let go of it and let God use it for greater good. My prayer for what happened tonight was that people won't remember what I did wrong but that they will remember the beauty of two people making a lifetime commitment and covenant of marriage and that God was lifted up in their vows and in the love that was in that room this evening. If all they remember is what I did wrong...than my motives in singing were all wrong to begin with and their focus was on me and not on God...I confess to you that in this moment, I remember the good and the beauty of that place and the love in the room but I'm still remembering the wrong too...please pray I forget it and forgive myself because confessing it before you guys and before my Sunday school class tomorrow is going to be painful enough.
Most days, I pursue excellence - and arranging those precious sunflowers for this beautiful wedding was just that - creative and artistic and excellent. I was so much freer doing that and didn't worry that every sunflower stood exactly the same or looked perfect - why can't I give myself that same freedom? I honestly don't know...but I hope one day that I'll be able to. I know I'll have a lot more fun singing and the stress of it won't be near as bad - or won't seem as bad when I do...
To those of you who can relate closely to my story and my long ramblings - you are a recovering perfectionist too, I'm guessing. May I share this word of encouragement with you? "Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that NOTHING you do for His Kingdom is a waste of time or effort." 1 Corinthians 15:58. This is my life verse and I'm going to have to say it over and over tonight in order to let it flood my mind so I can forget my mistake. May I encourage you to do the same when you beat yourself up because of a mistake too? Will you let God love you just the way you are and give Him the power to use even that mistake to bless somebody? Will you begin to lay down the self-esteem thing as an idol and pick up the covering of Christ to make you whole and complete by knowing who you are in Christ? Can you find a way to be comfortable in your own skin and stop trying to please man?
I know - these are loaded questions -and I'm asking them of myself too. I don't like to make mistakes - I don't like for others to point out my mistakes either - because it only magnifies my own self-degradation. I long to be free of this thorn called perfectionism - but I kind of think it may be the very thing that keeps me clinging to the cross of Christ, and all the mercy and grace that comes with it. How 'bout you?
Until next time, Be blessed in the Name of the Lord!!! I love ya! Amy
