I must admit, confidence is something that I wrestle with as a recovering perfectionist and contentment doesn't come easily for me. Part of it is because of my personal journey through a valley that seems unending and another part is that by nature I tend to be restless. I like change and the adrenaline of new adventures - but the risks of change and new adventures involve both learning curves and failure - which, for a perfectionist creates major emotional upheaval, so it's a vicious cycle.
As this year began, I committed to taking a break from school and to seek God on a deeper, more personal level. I have chosen to spend more time alone with Him to let Him heal the broken spaces in my heart and life from grief, loss and storms of life.
This week, God led me to two passages of Scripture and challenged me to see them with new eyes. Philippians 4:11-13 and Isaiah 50:4-11 (NLT). In Philippians 4, Paul encourages and thanks the church at Philippi for being such a source of encouragement to him and also admonishes them to walk in forgiveness, trusting God above and beyond circumstances, sharing the secrets of learning to be content. In Isaiah, the prophet provides new wisdom that God has already established, anointed and prepared the way for those who love and obey His Word. Now, I've read these passages many times before and even memorized them in part, but I never really paused to digest them as I have this week. I believe that the Bible is active and the Holy Spirit teaches new things when we are ready to understand them and yes, I hear Jesus speak to me at times through His Word and through His Holy Spirit - (call me crazy, too, Ms. Bahar- I'm ok with it).
But I think if Paul and I were chatting over some iced tea and pecan pie, he would likely remind me that contentment didn't come easily for him either. Paul endured snake bites, shipwrecks, death threats, stoning, imprisonment, loss, loneliness, depression, sickness and so much more for the cause of Christ. He became an expert at suffering. He went from a high position as a Roman Jew to someone with a price on his head, a renegade, a rebel who followed Christ. So learning to be content cost him much. Paul preached with such boldness despite the death threats, he sang in prison, he praised God through the sickness because his confidence shifted from his physical body and the need for man's approval to his confidence that he had already been made one with Christ because of the work of Christ on his (and our) behalf through His death, burial and resurrection.
I have been reading Ted Dekker's book, "The Forgotten Way" this week as a supplement to my study, and this week's focus was knowing who I am in Christ. I think for many of us this is a lifelong journey. I battle being my own worst critic and enemy and I have beaten myself up so badly and talked to myself in ways that I would never speak to someone else...I could be called an abuser if my words to myself were heard...This book is a gentle reminder and correction to stop doing that. To be kind to myself - to love my neighbor as myself - I actually love my neighbors much better than myself....do you? Do you treat your spouse, children, pets or friends with great love and kindness but spew venom toward yourself when you make a mistake? Do you fear failure? If you fail, do you have a hard time recovering from it? Has it wrecked your self- confidence and caused you to continue to jump to the "next best thing" in order to find temporary contentment?
This is a quote from Ted Dekker's book that made me stop for a moment and consider my own behavior...
"Remember it's not what you believe about yourself in this life that defines you; it's what the Father knows that defines you. Your opinion of yourself only defines the experience you have in this life. Indeed see yourself as He sees you, in Himself, for only then can you truly find joy in all He has made for you. Only then can you truly enjoy the beautiful gift of life in your earthen vessel, however temporal it is."
See, this is not about "self-love" or self-centered living. This is about personal acceptance of who we are in Christ that defines us. It's the unconditional love of our heavenly Father that gives us the contentment and confidence in these broken earthly vessels in our temporary home here on Earth.
I believe that people who have experienced a lot of hardship or tragedy in their lives develop a blindness or narrowed vision to what God has already done for them and through them - and it can be such a confidence wrecker too. For me, I've felt like I was walking around in a fog - just existing and about to give up and just settle for staying where I am until I retire in the name of "contentment"... based on Paul's writings in Philippians 4. But after this week, I'm beginning to have my sight restored.
Funny thing about God's timing. This whole week I have gotten a lesson on contentment - and it's much different than man's view of contentment. Contentment with God in any situation is to believe Isaiah 50 literally and to take God seriously when He says that the work has already been done - the story just isn't complete. It's not about settling for less than God has for you or giving up on your dreams - it's embracing the assurance that God's plan is for your good and His glory and that He mapped this thing out before the foundation of the world. If we can grasp this in our finite minds, we can let go of the wonder and worry of working it all out and instead, look for ways to share our gifts and our stories with others in the Name of Jesus with great confidence.
Some very wise friends said that if our ministry is not about people, then it's just therapy. That can translate to other areas of our lives too. If we only use our voices to sing in the shower, hands to build or paint or draw for our own good pleasure, physical training only to make our bodies look good in clothes or wear a certain size or wisdom just to learn for our own enjoyment, then it's all just personal therapy...it does nothing to glorify God or bless another... we don't have to be great, perfect or famous to bless another or glorify God...we just have to be us...we are already One with Him. See John 14:20. It's already done - finished - pre-planned.
How have I gotten here? It's way out and weird but it happened. One of my dear friends treated me to lunch and the movie, "The Greatest Showman" this past weekend. As I sat there and watched with great wonder and listened to great music - I observed a man who came from nothing, rose to greatness, returned to nothing and was humbled, when he submitted to that humility he was raised again but was able to let go of the idol of success and power and in exchange he discovered that it was ok to be a misfit and embrace and love the misfits around him. This movie is a MUST SEE...
Second, God offered me an opportunity to see behind the veil of the music industry in such a way that would take too long to explain here, but in doing so He gave me a choice - to walk into it or to lay my own idol of fame and the big stage down and instead, walk in freedom. I have chosen the latter. What has come from that is freedom like I have never experienced before and restoration of joy even amidst the frustrations of life. I will write about this when God allows...it's good.
Third, God led me to the book, "The Forgotten Way" by Ted Dekker. If you have been searching for healing and restoration from a long journey of hard that has just sucked the life out of you, I encourage you to read it. It's filled with Scripture and challenges to go deeper. Order it at https://theforgottenway.com/home -- and don't hurry through it. Take it slow and re-read it if you need to - it's worth it.
Confidence and Contentment - I have wrestled with these two for more years than I can count - but God. He opened my eyes to see that I CAN be content, because He has already gifted, anointed and laid out a plan and I CAN be confident because God always keeps His Word - and like Billy Graham said, "some of us just take the long way home..."
Good stuff! Have a great weekend! Amy
