This morning I was contemplating the last year, trying to make some sense of it all. Truly, the opening line of the book, "A Tale of Two Cities" describes the 2012 of my world. The spectrum of emotions that were experienced stretched me to the brink of losing my sanity at times -- the elation of planning the trip of a lifetime to God's Holy Promised Land, Israel...to the devastation of the worst move of our lives on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day from our home of 15 years that we built, loved and sold to short sale due to this crashing economy.
2012 opened with anticipation that good things would come our way. January brought many opportunities to sing and share my testimony across the Southeast to women's groups through Stonecroft Ministries. Through that organization, God allowed me to be a part of seeing the lives of many women radically changed through their profession of faith as Jesus Christ became their Lord and Savior. The entire year was spent sharing the opportunity of singing with Camp Kirkland's Celebration Orchestra in Israel as fundraisers included writing and publishing my first cookbook, selling delicious meats from a local business and selling CD's. It was a great opportunity to meet new people and experience the generosity of those who love helping others.
Since his job loss in 2010, James was still unable to find permanent employment throughout the first quarter of 2012...our finances were so tight and yet God made a way and provided for our needs. He lost his unemployment benefits in April due to slight increases in Alabama's unemployment rates and so he began his own lawn care and maintenance service as a full time profession. God, again, was faithful to make a way and send clients who were faithful to hire him, pay him fairly and treat him with respect and dignity. Of course the headaches of self-employment came with equipment breakdowns and frustrations of down time because of it. It was a rainy summer as well, so there were days when he just couldn't work due to soggy grounds.
I usually make salsa and jellies to make extra money each year, but this year wasn't able to because my beloved stove broke down. We didn't have the extra money to get it fixed so I learned to cook using a 2 eye hot plate, a crock pot and a toaster oven each day. Eating out is just too expensive for this household so we made do and testing recipes is a challenge when writing a cookbook.
By summer, we were forced to put our home on the market or lose it. We had held on for as long as we could but my sickness in 09 and James' job loss had just put us at the point where we had spent all our resources and couldn't hold on any longer. It was gut-wrenching to make the choice to sell it or lose it...but our realtor, a godly friend encouraged us that this would bring freedom to some of the stress we'd been dealing with and help us to move forward. We also put my mother's home on the market about the same time. She had done all she could to stay on top of her payments but had lost her extra income in part-time retail when the economy caused the business owner to have to lay her off. So here we were - in a place we'd never been, staring foreclosure or short sale in the face knowing that finding a place to live would be difficult being self-employed and with a serious credit hit. Mother's home showed weekly - and when an offer came on her house we were sure it was going to meet not only her needs but would offer one of my best friends a place to live as well since she had just sold her home. Our home didn't show right away which made us very concerned. But when it finally did show - only 2 people came through and the 2nd person put a contract on it the day she visited for the 2nd time. We knew it would be a short sale, but felt it was a solid offer and our mortgage company was even offering us the possibility of moving assistance should the short sale go through. Mother's mortgage company wasn't so cooperative. The offer on mom's house was rejected and she faced certain foreclosure - she was devastated - I found myself praying that God would at least allow me to get to Israel and back before any of this happened. We were cruising along just fine with ours until the week before I was scheduled to leave for Israel...
The hammer fell - Wells Fargo wouldn't return my phone calls - they had rejected not only the short sale contract but had set a quick date to foreclose on our home and it was going to be the Friday before I was scheduled to leave for Israel the following Wednesday! We were devastated. I didn't know whether to go or stay - and felt it would be cruel to leave James here to handle not just one but two moves while I was half the world away - and yet, I knew God had provided and made a way for me to go...Thankfully, it appeared that we were going to get a contract on Mother's house so her file was re-opened and what happened in our situation was nothing short of a miracle...
I stopped by the church to drop off some cookbooks and as I was leaving my dear pastor was returning from lunch. He asked how I was doing and I shared with him what had happened. He told me to go immediately to speak with an attorney who he knew could help us in this situation and he was firm in saying to do so. I asked him to pray and left to go see our realtor who had called while I was talking with my pastor.
When I got to her office she shared that the mortgage company had rejected the offer for what we felt was a bogus reason and I told her that my pastor had suggested seeing an attorney - she said that her broker had recommended the same thing and she picked up the phone to call. He was able to see us immediately and offered an option that could literally save our home from foreclosure. We acted quickly - and God's Hand covered the entire situation - and my only question was whether to go or stay...the attorney said I needed to go and do God's work there and not think about this stuff while I was there...
I hadn't shed a tear up until this point and when I got to my realtor's car, I broke down and sobbed. I don't know if it was tears of relief, grief, or what...but I couldn't stop weeping. I hadn't cried at all since March, when I was sharing my testimony and the grief over the loss of my Dad in 07 hit me -- but it was a similar cry - from deep in my heart....
A week later, I'm getting on the plane excited to go on the trip of a lifetime - to Israel - and to get to sing with an orchestra!! Cloud 9 doesn't begin to describe how I was feeling that day. The first leg of the flight was fine - Birmingham to Atlanta -- easy up - easy down...Atlanta, however, presented with delays....many of them. When our plane finally loaded, we were already late to get to New York for the nonstop to Tel Aviv - but a serious mechanical error caused us to have to deplane...a phone call to Camp Kirkland led to my first encounter with other Celebration Orchestra members...and an adventure began. We sat in the terminal for what seemed like hours. We texted and talked with the others who were already in New York waiting on us. What started out as an exciting day quickly turned stressful and we knew we were going to be behind the others arriving at our destination. There were 9 of us who were stuck at this point and a plane full of folks trying to get to New York...One final conversation with Camp before their flight left and we got word that President Obama had been in NYC so Air Force One had delayed all flights out of JFK - so we felt all would be well. We were able to get a flight to New York a little later, but when we arrived there was a traffic jam on the runway and we were about 20 minutes from getting to the gate to change planes -- that 20 minutes caused us to miss our flight to Israel...we knew then that we'd have to stay overnight in NYC. We were so sad and frustrated but the folks at the gate were kind and helpful and we stayed at a nice hotel and our meals were covered because of this little hiccup...part 1 of it.
Part 2 came the next day when we weren't able to get on the non-stop flight to Israel. It was full so we had to reroute through other cities -- half of us went to Rome and the other half went to Brussels -- I went to Brussels...long flight, boring airport and literally no sleep at all. We lost another day and missed not only our only rehearsal but a beach side concert as well. We were so disappointed! The flight from Brussels to Tel Aviv was uneventful - but cramped. We got there early the next morning and had an hour's drive to our hotel. We arrived around 3:30 am and knew we'd get about 2 hours sleep before a very busy Sunday would begin.
My roommate was fabulous - we became instant friends - the whole team was just wonderful and it was such a blessing to be welcomed by 40 strangers and made to feel like family within minutes of our arrival to breakfast that morning... God blessed the day with a trip to the Boat Museum and a casual concert as well as a boat ride on the Sea of Galilee. We were offered an opportunity to renew our commitment to Christ on that water and learned about Jesus' preaching and teaching from the boat. It was a beautiful place to let go and release all the pain and hurt that 2012 had brought as well as begin the beautiful week that would change my life forever.
Being baptized in the Jordan River - singing concerts all over Israel, visiting historic landmarks that brought the Bible to life for me and making friends with people from all over the country/world just make my heart sing...I'll never be the same even in the midst of one of the hardest years of my life.
To get home and face the move of a lifetime - with literally no place to go brought me back to reality quickly. The ups and downs that come with a short sale are hard to explain but because we had used an attorney to stop the foreclosure the mortgage company rejected the possibility of any moving assistance - so it became necessary to sell some of our furniture to pay for this move....and because the burden of the heavy moving would be on James his work load would be less, therefore causing less income to come into the household and business. Thanksgiving was quiet but Mother's home foreclosed just a few days following. Round one of moving began because she only had 10 days to leave her home. A dear friend stored all her furnishings and our dear veterinarian is keeping her cat. We had some amazing helpers to get her moved and she stayed at our home. Two weeks later, our move began. We had a delay at closing due to an error with the closing attorney which bought us a little time but would put us moving out of our home on Christmas day. We came very close to not being able to close the loan because the buyer was about to have to refile all her financials with her mortgage company which would have delayed even longer. Because it was the busiest time of the year, those who normally would have time to help us just weren't available so the burden of the move fell on mine and James' shoulders. When friends are scarce and family doesn't appear to have any interest, it's easy for Satan to get a hold of your mind. It's easy to feel like no one cares and it's easy to feel resentful and hurt when none is intended. That battle can be exhausting on its own but compounded with the stress of not knowing whether the closing will even take place or where you'll be going makes for many sleepless nights.
We had gotten so excited about our new place! Just a few weeks prior to all this,we found what seemed to be a perfect home nestled on 6 beautiful acres and the owners were in retired in ministry so we felt they could be trusted to be fair with us and up until we were ready to sign the papers they were...but the Friday before we were supposed to start moving, we were in town to sign the papers, and found out that the home had sold out from under us...they had taken an offer to sell over the option they'd agreed to with us on a lease/purchase and we found ourselves facing a move with no place to go. We were devastated, yet again, to say the least!
I prayed for a mild winter and God has been faithful. Most of you have read about my 365 convertible and that the top won't go up on it - so driving in cold temps or rain can bring a few strange looks -- I'm kind of used to that anyway - but nonetheless - it's just one more thing. Well, thankfully we were able to use it to pack and move things as well as get boxes, boxes and more boxes...
Our move started the week before Christmas. We worked long days EVERY day getting the rest of our things packed and organized (I'd been packing since August) and had moved my best friend's home, my mom's home and now ours. We were able to borrow a van from a local realtor who was kind enough to let us use it to move my mom but it was reserved for the time our move would take place so we had to find another way. A dear and precious brother in Christ, offered 2 covered trailers for us to use as well as warehouse space if we needed it....and we certainly did! I never imagined the amount of "stuff" that would collect over the course of 15 years in one home by 2 people! We were blessed by a couple of professional movers (also friends) who moved the bulk of the furniture for us while James ran sound for the children's musical at church. This same dear brother who loaned his trailers helped the day before to load one trailer full of boxes...up and down stairs all day long...that's a real and true friend!
On Sunday before Christmas, we decided to rent a small uHaul van to get the rest, thinking we wouldn't have to make many trips...Christmas Eve was fast approaching and James and I sensed that we wouldn't be sleeping at all. A 24 hour stint of moving was what it would take to get everything out by our 10 am Christmas day deadline. A dear and precious friend had graciously offered her home to us to stay over the holidays because we hadn't found a place to land permanently. James had a couple of guys over to help move most of the heavy stuff the day before but what was left was time consuming and seemed unending. Christmas Eve day had delay written all over it. Mom and I had stayed at the friend's home the night before so the mattresses could be moved. James stayed with the animals on one remaining mattress so he could get up early and get started while Mom and I ran a few errands that had to be done prior to the holiday store closings. Traffic was bad and people moved slowly and her car was acting up. We finally got to the house mid-morning and it seemed everything was just moving in slow motion. We worked all day without a break and decided to take a quick break to eat supper and take Mom home - at 83 she had worked until she was just about to pass out and it would have been cruel to ask her to do any more. I dropped her off and met James at the warehouse to unload after we ate supper. This truckload had heavy stuff but nothing like what was to come later.
He and I spent over an hour unloading and then hurried back to load again. This time we loaded 2 huge workbenches that my Dad had given to James - they were made of pressure treated lumber so you can imagine how heavy they were. We also loaded leftover tile, granite and metal shelving that had held items in the garage. Remaining furniture, tool bins and lawn equipment went in this load too and it had begun to get really cold. I was having trouble standing up straight and by this time it was approaching around 9 or 10pm. We decided to take this load even though the truck wasn't loaded to the brim - we knew it would take a long time to unload it since it was just the 2 of us...we were both approaching exhaustion by this point. It took us over an hour to unload and my back was screaming in pain. My spirit was so heavy and I felt as if God had completely abandoned us at this point and I found myself silently weeping in prayer begging God to send help our way.
James had gotten hungry and knew we would be really late working on the next load so he suggested we grab a quick bite to eat at Waffle House - we were hopeful that no one we knew would be there because we looked and felt so bad. We drove by 2 churches on our way and one was lit up with candles for a late night service and it made me sad to think that we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas in a traditional manner. I hadn't been directly involved in any Christmas music, parties or anything and just felt completely out of touch with all of it. Our waitress was such a blessing. She was so kind and friendly and made us feel like her only customers. We sat there long enough to get stiff so leaving was comical at best. People stared but it was Waffle House - so really who cares?
Going back home to load again was something we both dreaded...we couldn't see an end in site but knew it had to be done. It was cold and damp and our sweet dog and cats had followed us every single step of the way. They were just exhausted and it broke our hearts to see their loyalty and love. They seemed to understand that what we were doing was hard but we could tell they wondered if they fit into the picture somehow. They are such a blessing and their unconditional love and constant joy got us through this hard night. We got back to work and every box seemed heavier and every item seemed less important. We waited to load some of the pictures and art work because I worried that it would get damaged but this time we just had to bite the bullet and get it done. Again, my heart was crying out to God to give us some relief and I just felt completely dark and abandoned inside...I can't explain it other than to say that I just felt as if the world had turned its back on us and we were facing this horror completely alone...it was awful.
We finished this truckload at around 2 am. We headed to the warehouse to unload and I took a load in the car. It was freezing and my hands were numb. James was just dragging. How he found strength to go on was something I just couldn't understand. He was amazing. Arriving at the warehouse it was so quiet - almost haunting. We moved a little slower this time but when we finished we walked outside and it was spitting snow. James told me to go ahead and head back and he would lock the gate. So I left thinking he was right behind me. When I came to the 4 way stop I noticed a policeman was patrolling the area and my heart sank. What in the world would he think of a lone driver in a car and a lone driver in a uhaul pulling out of a warehouse at 3 am on Christmas morning?!? This wasn't going to be good at all. I thought he might stop me but he didn't - he just stared and kept driving. I guess he thought I was helping Santa. I got back home and when James didn't come, I just had a sinking feeling something had happened so I called. Sure enough, the cop had stopped him as he was pulling out of the warehouse driveway. He asked if James still lived at our current address after James had bared his soul identifying the warehouse owner and why he was there. James replied, sir, I do still live there until 10 this morning and that is why I am working all night on Christmas. The policeman let him go - and James was able to get back home -- sigh of relief!
So we thought we had about 1 more load - not so. 2 more loads were left and we still had more stuff. It wasn't incredibly important, but nonetheless, we couldn't leave it for the new owner so it had to be done. Again, I was begging God not to leave us alone in this and was about to cry again. James and I were hurting badly by this time and the animals were sleeping. We kept working but it was slower and slower. At around 8 am or so, one of our neighbors and long time friends drove by and stopped. He walked up and hugged me and apologized for not coming by sooner. He asked if he could help in any way and if it would help if we stored anything at his home in the basement. We told him our situation and what was going down and he left to go get his son's truck and headed back. About 10 minutes later, his sweet wife came in and offered to help as well as their sweet daughter. We had clothes and a few items in the attic left. My strength was gone but their fresh energy gave us the strength to go on. In record time the rest of the stuff was at least out of the house and into the garage, on the back porch or ready to be loaded on the truck.
At that point it was getting very close to 10 am. Our realtor had been trying to reach us to let us know they were coming and wanted to know how close we were to being out. Our cats had disappeared in all the rush and we were trying to get everything loaded and out of there. At 10 on the dot, the new owner and her fiance' walked up the driveway. We were getting the last of our things loaded and I explained what had happened. The new owner was kind but the fiance' was aloof and seemed not to care. I was so tired at that point that I probably misread him but we had done all we could...and God had heard and answered our prayers by sending these dear friends in the nick of time.
We continued to work and it began to rain. All the stuff was out of there but the cats hadn't come back around. Suddenly, out of the woods, my little Mildred came running up. She was hungry and cold and let me pick her up even though she was scared to death. Evelyn was no where to be found and I feared the worst had happened - either she had run away in all the chaos or was hiding in the attic so afraid to come down and with the new people there she might not ever come down and would just die up there from hunger and from being so afraid. My heart sank. I didn't want to leave her but I didn't know what else to do.
James told me to take the others with me and we'd come back later to see if we could find her. The new owner said she would watch out for her and would call if she saw her (I knew she'd be busy and wouldn't do that, but I appreciated her kindness). I cried all the way home. I had promised Evelyn I wouldn't leave her and I felt as though I was abandoning one of my children. I wept. Mildred cried too. It was awful.
We got back to the "borrowed home" and out of our wet clothes and sat down to rest a while. I ended up crying myself to sleep and Mildred stayed right by my side. Our little dog, Cash, was sad too and slept right by James all afternoon. We felt like we had been run over by a train, but that pain was nothing compared to the heartbreak we felt at leaving our beloved cat in the rain and cold or stuck in the attic with strangers in her house...the unknown of that was gut wrenching.
We went back to get some clothes at our neighbor's home a little later and decided to see if we could find Evelyn. The rain was torrential at this time but it didn't matter. I was a "Mom on a mission" and I was going to find my baby if it killed me. We stood outside in the rain calling Evelyn and caught a glimpse of her at our old house. She could hear us but couldn't find us and was so scared and wet. James walked over to her but his umbrella scared her and she ran into the woods. He disappeared to the back of the house and suddenly a flash of lightning hit just near where I thought he was. At that point, I cried out to God again, please don't take my husband too! I screamed for James and he came back around the house and said that lightning was just a little too close for comfort. He went into our neighbor's home and I stayed outside to look for her. When the rain slacked, I walked over to call her, thinking I had seen her. But it was only raindrops reflecting in the light...my heart was just broken.
We left again and I cried all the way home...just knowing we would never see her again. Evelyn was a shelter cat and a stray before she came to the shelter so she has enough feral cat in her to do something like that. We left some food in our neighbor's garage for her in a familiar bowl, hoping that she'd smell it and our scent and know that we didn't forget her. I prayed all the way home too...It had been the worst Christmas ever and nearly losing James to lightning and being unsure of Evelyn's location or whether we'd ever get her back were the tip of the iceberg.
When we got home, I just went to bed. I was exhausted, drenched from head to toe and heartbroken. My body hurt everywhere but especially my heart. Sleep was fitful and leg cramps came often. I had read Scripture desperately trying to find hope and encouragement, I had read posts from my friends hoping they would post a verse that offered something encouraging...God seemed so distant even in the glowing lights of the tree our friend had put up for us to enjoy. Her gift was a sign that said, "Our God is an Awesome God" and I believe that, but I felt that He had other things pressing that kept Him from attending to our needs all the while knowing that it was only God that could make this better. I finally drifted off for a couple of hours while charging my phone.
About 6:30 the next morning, I was wide awake and turned on my phone. About that time a text message came through and it was from our neighbor, telling me that our sweet Evelyn was safe in her garage and that she had eaten and was sleeping in her attic. She wanted me to know that she had to go to work but would leave the door open for me to come and get her. My spirit lifted and in my mind I jumped up to get dressed to go get my baby girl. (I moved slowly, groaned deeply as I pulled on my jeans) but in my mind I was leaping. God had answered my prayer and had brought my baby home. I couldn't wait to go and get her! I decided to surprise James and Mom by not telling them and thought I'd be back before either of them awakened...I should have known...
Going to pick Evelyn up in a car that was low on fuel should have been a simple process - I had $10 in my pocket and could get a couple of gallons and then be on my way...but Mom's car acted up and kept stalling out every time I got my speed up past 40 mph. I was about 3 miles from my neighbor's home when she called to see if I was still coming. I told her I was five minutes which turned into 10. When I got on the road to her house, the car stalled twice! I thought I would never get there - less than a mile and I couldn't get to my baby...
Finally, when I drove in at her house she had left the door cracked but I couldn't get her to the door. I went in and it scared her - but we went into the garage and climbed into the attic and there she was, my beautiful Evelyn. She looked at me long and hard and then walked away. She didn't want to have anything to do with me. We waited and talked a little while she did her thing. Phyllis had to go to work so she left the attic and me with treats for my Evelyn. I asked her if she wanted some and she walked slowly over to where I was. I caught my breath. I was so close to having her back and taking her home with me. When she got close I picked her up and she struggled to get away. She was angry and hurt and didn't understand. I felt it - I knew I had broken her heart. Those of you who don't believe animals have emotions are wrong. This sweet cat was cold and afraid and knew that her mom had left her like that...
Phyllis heard me and came back up and got her from me and took her back down from the attic while I slowly came down (remember I was still stiff and sore from the move)... She held her while I got down and it seemed to calm her some. We put the attic stairs back up when I got down so she wouldn't run back up if she got away. Phyllis held her until we got her into the crate to go home. I was so relieved but my heart was pounding...
At that point the journey home began and Evelyn seemed content to be in a warm car, safe crate and happy to be with me. The car stalled out several times on the way home and by that time, James had sent me a text asking what was going on. I told him and he asked if he needed to come and get us. I stopped and let the car rest at Sonic while I got some tea for us. I felt like everything would be ok by then. It was and we got home safely. What a homecoming it was! Mom had cooked a wonderful breakfast and we all shed tears of joy at having our family complete once again...prayers of thankfulness were offered and we rested with grateful hearts all day long...and have since.
I am grateful for the place to stay because of the unselfishness of dear friends. I'm grateful that my family is together and that we are safe and warm and not hungry. I'm grateful to have seen Bethlehem and where Jesus was born as well as where He was crucified, buried and rose again. I'm grateful to have walked where He walked and experienced the bodies of water He created and experienced. But there's something about being home - especially around special holidays like Christmas and New Year's. I knew in 2009 that God was going to force me to face my greatest fear of being homeless. I begged him not to, but even in Israel, I knew the process was inevitable. I don't know why He wanted me to face this or why James and Mom had to go through it too, but I imagine it was a stronghold for them too.
At one point during the moving process, I posted a thought on Facebook about living in "borrowed housing" and how strange it felt even though I am deeply grateful for it. The Holy Spirit spoke to me that while Jesus was here on earth he was not only born in a borrowed manger but he also died and was buried in a borrowed tomb. That was perspective gained from Scripture I've read many times. Perhaps it's part of the purpose of the trip to Israel, facing homelessness and experiencing the generosity of friends in situations like this that have given more feet to our faith. Maybe it's the beginning of a book that I'll write so that people will understand that mature, grounded Christians who are well educated and appear to have it all together have bad things happen too. Rose garden faith is shallow and unrealistic. If Jesus was tempted, we are tempted. If Jesus suffered, we will suffer. If Jesus lived in borrowed housing, at some point in our lives we all will live in borrowed housing too - your story may not be like mine but you will grow old and likely live with your children or in a nursing home. You may lose your job and need to rent rather than own your home. You may be in the military and live in government owned housing...but if you are a believer, regardless of your home ownership, in reality, this isn't our home -- we all live in borrowed housing. Heaven is our Home.
What I learned in Israel is that we over-complicate Jesus' teachings. He was practical and used examples to teach his people that they would understand and that we can understand too. We over-complicate Christianity too. We place a lot of rules, a lot of expectations and a lot of unrealistic spirituality on ourselves and others when Jesus simply told us to love Him above all things and love our neighbors as ourselves. He told us to seek Him first, to pray and earnestly seek Him to find Him.
What I've learned through this move is that sometimes God allows us to get to the edge of a cliff or the end of our rope so that we can truly see what we're made of and just how much we will trust Him. Sometimes, He lets us live with our "stuff" until we are sick of it so we will turn loose of it willingly. Sometimes, He doesn't answer because the test is if we will just believe even if He doesn't answer. That's the hard one.
Like Job, I cried out and begged God to just kill me and take me home. Like Moses, I got angry because things weren't going my way. Like Abraham, I was afraid. Like David, I've felt very alone and abandoned. But deep within me was a cry that only God could hear. There were no words that man could hear only groanings coming from deep in my soul.
This story isn't over. Yesterday, December 31st my Mom's car completely stalled out when she and James were trying to get to the bank. Once again, a friend came to the rescue. Today, we are in deep need of a financial miracle to pay our bills and a permanent home to live in...
My prayer is that 2013 will bring an end to this season of wilderness dwelling and that we'll be moved into greener pastures very soon.
I hope that those of you who have read this don't feel as though I just needed to vent and tell my troubles because you've missed the point if you do. I didn't write this to whine - as I said at the beginning, I was just thinking over the vast contrasts of highs and lows that 2012 brought my way and decided to write it on here in the hopes that it might encourage someone else who may be dealing with similar circumstances or vasts contrasts as well and trying to make sense of it.
The truth is, if I tried to make sense of all this, I could spend an eternity doing so - I don't think that would honor God. I believe He just took us to a place where we had no other choice but to trust Him to get us through -- not man, not self, not money, not resources -- simply God.
Faithful living ain't for sissies and I ain't no sissy even though sometimes I want to be one....Be blessed in the name of Jesus! Happy New Year!! Amy
2012 opened with anticipation that good things would come our way. January brought many opportunities to sing and share my testimony across the Southeast to women's groups through Stonecroft Ministries. Through that organization, God allowed me to be a part of seeing the lives of many women radically changed through their profession of faith as Jesus Christ became their Lord and Savior. The entire year was spent sharing the opportunity of singing with Camp Kirkland's Celebration Orchestra in Israel as fundraisers included writing and publishing my first cookbook, selling delicious meats from a local business and selling CD's. It was a great opportunity to meet new people and experience the generosity of those who love helping others.
Since his job loss in 2010, James was still unable to find permanent employment throughout the first quarter of 2012...our finances were so tight and yet God made a way and provided for our needs. He lost his unemployment benefits in April due to slight increases in Alabama's unemployment rates and so he began his own lawn care and maintenance service as a full time profession. God, again, was faithful to make a way and send clients who were faithful to hire him, pay him fairly and treat him with respect and dignity. Of course the headaches of self-employment came with equipment breakdowns and frustrations of down time because of it. It was a rainy summer as well, so there were days when he just couldn't work due to soggy grounds.
I usually make salsa and jellies to make extra money each year, but this year wasn't able to because my beloved stove broke down. We didn't have the extra money to get it fixed so I learned to cook using a 2 eye hot plate, a crock pot and a toaster oven each day. Eating out is just too expensive for this household so we made do and testing recipes is a challenge when writing a cookbook.
By summer, we were forced to put our home on the market or lose it. We had held on for as long as we could but my sickness in 09 and James' job loss had just put us at the point where we had spent all our resources and couldn't hold on any longer. It was gut-wrenching to make the choice to sell it or lose it...but our realtor, a godly friend encouraged us that this would bring freedom to some of the stress we'd been dealing with and help us to move forward. We also put my mother's home on the market about the same time. She had done all she could to stay on top of her payments but had lost her extra income in part-time retail when the economy caused the business owner to have to lay her off. So here we were - in a place we'd never been, staring foreclosure or short sale in the face knowing that finding a place to live would be difficult being self-employed and with a serious credit hit. Mother's home showed weekly - and when an offer came on her house we were sure it was going to meet not only her needs but would offer one of my best friends a place to live as well since she had just sold her home. Our home didn't show right away which made us very concerned. But when it finally did show - only 2 people came through and the 2nd person put a contract on it the day she visited for the 2nd time. We knew it would be a short sale, but felt it was a solid offer and our mortgage company was even offering us the possibility of moving assistance should the short sale go through. Mother's mortgage company wasn't so cooperative. The offer on mom's house was rejected and she faced certain foreclosure - she was devastated - I found myself praying that God would at least allow me to get to Israel and back before any of this happened. We were cruising along just fine with ours until the week before I was scheduled to leave for Israel...
The hammer fell - Wells Fargo wouldn't return my phone calls - they had rejected not only the short sale contract but had set a quick date to foreclose on our home and it was going to be the Friday before I was scheduled to leave for Israel the following Wednesday! We were devastated. I didn't know whether to go or stay - and felt it would be cruel to leave James here to handle not just one but two moves while I was half the world away - and yet, I knew God had provided and made a way for me to go...Thankfully, it appeared that we were going to get a contract on Mother's house so her file was re-opened and what happened in our situation was nothing short of a miracle...
I stopped by the church to drop off some cookbooks and as I was leaving my dear pastor was returning from lunch. He asked how I was doing and I shared with him what had happened. He told me to go immediately to speak with an attorney who he knew could help us in this situation and he was firm in saying to do so. I asked him to pray and left to go see our realtor who had called while I was talking with my pastor.
When I got to her office she shared that the mortgage company had rejected the offer for what we felt was a bogus reason and I told her that my pastor had suggested seeing an attorney - she said that her broker had recommended the same thing and she picked up the phone to call. He was able to see us immediately and offered an option that could literally save our home from foreclosure. We acted quickly - and God's Hand covered the entire situation - and my only question was whether to go or stay...the attorney said I needed to go and do God's work there and not think about this stuff while I was there...
I hadn't shed a tear up until this point and when I got to my realtor's car, I broke down and sobbed. I don't know if it was tears of relief, grief, or what...but I couldn't stop weeping. I hadn't cried at all since March, when I was sharing my testimony and the grief over the loss of my Dad in 07 hit me -- but it was a similar cry - from deep in my heart....
A week later, I'm getting on the plane excited to go on the trip of a lifetime - to Israel - and to get to sing with an orchestra!! Cloud 9 doesn't begin to describe how I was feeling that day. The first leg of the flight was fine - Birmingham to Atlanta -- easy up - easy down...Atlanta, however, presented with delays....many of them. When our plane finally loaded, we were already late to get to New York for the nonstop to Tel Aviv - but a serious mechanical error caused us to have to deplane...a phone call to Camp Kirkland led to my first encounter with other Celebration Orchestra members...and an adventure began. We sat in the terminal for what seemed like hours. We texted and talked with the others who were already in New York waiting on us. What started out as an exciting day quickly turned stressful and we knew we were going to be behind the others arriving at our destination. There were 9 of us who were stuck at this point and a plane full of folks trying to get to New York...One final conversation with Camp before their flight left and we got word that President Obama had been in NYC so Air Force One had delayed all flights out of JFK - so we felt all would be well. We were able to get a flight to New York a little later, but when we arrived there was a traffic jam on the runway and we were about 20 minutes from getting to the gate to change planes -- that 20 minutes caused us to miss our flight to Israel...we knew then that we'd have to stay overnight in NYC. We were so sad and frustrated but the folks at the gate were kind and helpful and we stayed at a nice hotel and our meals were covered because of this little hiccup...part 1 of it.
Part 2 came the next day when we weren't able to get on the non-stop flight to Israel. It was full so we had to reroute through other cities -- half of us went to Rome and the other half went to Brussels -- I went to Brussels...long flight, boring airport and literally no sleep at all. We lost another day and missed not only our only rehearsal but a beach side concert as well. We were so disappointed! The flight from Brussels to Tel Aviv was uneventful - but cramped. We got there early the next morning and had an hour's drive to our hotel. We arrived around 3:30 am and knew we'd get about 2 hours sleep before a very busy Sunday would begin.
My roommate was fabulous - we became instant friends - the whole team was just wonderful and it was such a blessing to be welcomed by 40 strangers and made to feel like family within minutes of our arrival to breakfast that morning... God blessed the day with a trip to the Boat Museum and a casual concert as well as a boat ride on the Sea of Galilee. We were offered an opportunity to renew our commitment to Christ on that water and learned about Jesus' preaching and teaching from the boat. It was a beautiful place to let go and release all the pain and hurt that 2012 had brought as well as begin the beautiful week that would change my life forever.
Being baptized in the Jordan River - singing concerts all over Israel, visiting historic landmarks that brought the Bible to life for me and making friends with people from all over the country/world just make my heart sing...I'll never be the same even in the midst of one of the hardest years of my life.
To get home and face the move of a lifetime - with literally no place to go brought me back to reality quickly. The ups and downs that come with a short sale are hard to explain but because we had used an attorney to stop the foreclosure the mortgage company rejected the possibility of any moving assistance - so it became necessary to sell some of our furniture to pay for this move....and because the burden of the heavy moving would be on James his work load would be less, therefore causing less income to come into the household and business. Thanksgiving was quiet but Mother's home foreclosed just a few days following. Round one of moving began because she only had 10 days to leave her home. A dear friend stored all her furnishings and our dear veterinarian is keeping her cat. We had some amazing helpers to get her moved and she stayed at our home. Two weeks later, our move began. We had a delay at closing due to an error with the closing attorney which bought us a little time but would put us moving out of our home on Christmas day. We came very close to not being able to close the loan because the buyer was about to have to refile all her financials with her mortgage company which would have delayed even longer. Because it was the busiest time of the year, those who normally would have time to help us just weren't available so the burden of the move fell on mine and James' shoulders. When friends are scarce and family doesn't appear to have any interest, it's easy for Satan to get a hold of your mind. It's easy to feel like no one cares and it's easy to feel resentful and hurt when none is intended. That battle can be exhausting on its own but compounded with the stress of not knowing whether the closing will even take place or where you'll be going makes for many sleepless nights.
We had gotten so excited about our new place! Just a few weeks prior to all this,we found what seemed to be a perfect home nestled on 6 beautiful acres and the owners were in retired in ministry so we felt they could be trusted to be fair with us and up until we were ready to sign the papers they were...but the Friday before we were supposed to start moving, we were in town to sign the papers, and found out that the home had sold out from under us...they had taken an offer to sell over the option they'd agreed to with us on a lease/purchase and we found ourselves facing a move with no place to go. We were devastated, yet again, to say the least!
I prayed for a mild winter and God has been faithful. Most of you have read about my 365 convertible and that the top won't go up on it - so driving in cold temps or rain can bring a few strange looks -- I'm kind of used to that anyway - but nonetheless - it's just one more thing. Well, thankfully we were able to use it to pack and move things as well as get boxes, boxes and more boxes...
Our move started the week before Christmas. We worked long days EVERY day getting the rest of our things packed and organized (I'd been packing since August) and had moved my best friend's home, my mom's home and now ours. We were able to borrow a van from a local realtor who was kind enough to let us use it to move my mom but it was reserved for the time our move would take place so we had to find another way. A dear and precious brother in Christ, offered 2 covered trailers for us to use as well as warehouse space if we needed it....and we certainly did! I never imagined the amount of "stuff" that would collect over the course of 15 years in one home by 2 people! We were blessed by a couple of professional movers (also friends) who moved the bulk of the furniture for us while James ran sound for the children's musical at church. This same dear brother who loaned his trailers helped the day before to load one trailer full of boxes...up and down stairs all day long...that's a real and true friend!
On Sunday before Christmas, we decided to rent a small uHaul van to get the rest, thinking we wouldn't have to make many trips...Christmas Eve was fast approaching and James and I sensed that we wouldn't be sleeping at all. A 24 hour stint of moving was what it would take to get everything out by our 10 am Christmas day deadline. A dear and precious friend had graciously offered her home to us to stay over the holidays because we hadn't found a place to land permanently. James had a couple of guys over to help move most of the heavy stuff the day before but what was left was time consuming and seemed unending. Christmas Eve day had delay written all over it. Mom and I had stayed at the friend's home the night before so the mattresses could be moved. James stayed with the animals on one remaining mattress so he could get up early and get started while Mom and I ran a few errands that had to be done prior to the holiday store closings. Traffic was bad and people moved slowly and her car was acting up. We finally got to the house mid-morning and it seemed everything was just moving in slow motion. We worked all day without a break and decided to take a quick break to eat supper and take Mom home - at 83 she had worked until she was just about to pass out and it would have been cruel to ask her to do any more. I dropped her off and met James at the warehouse to unload after we ate supper. This truckload had heavy stuff but nothing like what was to come later.
He and I spent over an hour unloading and then hurried back to load again. This time we loaded 2 huge workbenches that my Dad had given to James - they were made of pressure treated lumber so you can imagine how heavy they were. We also loaded leftover tile, granite and metal shelving that had held items in the garage. Remaining furniture, tool bins and lawn equipment went in this load too and it had begun to get really cold. I was having trouble standing up straight and by this time it was approaching around 9 or 10pm. We decided to take this load even though the truck wasn't loaded to the brim - we knew it would take a long time to unload it since it was just the 2 of us...we were both approaching exhaustion by this point. It took us over an hour to unload and my back was screaming in pain. My spirit was so heavy and I felt as if God had completely abandoned us at this point and I found myself silently weeping in prayer begging God to send help our way.
James had gotten hungry and knew we would be really late working on the next load so he suggested we grab a quick bite to eat at Waffle House - we were hopeful that no one we knew would be there because we looked and felt so bad. We drove by 2 churches on our way and one was lit up with candles for a late night service and it made me sad to think that we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas in a traditional manner. I hadn't been directly involved in any Christmas music, parties or anything and just felt completely out of touch with all of it. Our waitress was such a blessing. She was so kind and friendly and made us feel like her only customers. We sat there long enough to get stiff so leaving was comical at best. People stared but it was Waffle House - so really who cares?
Going back home to load again was something we both dreaded...we couldn't see an end in site but knew it had to be done. It was cold and damp and our sweet dog and cats had followed us every single step of the way. They were just exhausted and it broke our hearts to see their loyalty and love. They seemed to understand that what we were doing was hard but we could tell they wondered if they fit into the picture somehow. They are such a blessing and their unconditional love and constant joy got us through this hard night. We got back to work and every box seemed heavier and every item seemed less important. We waited to load some of the pictures and art work because I worried that it would get damaged but this time we just had to bite the bullet and get it done. Again, my heart was crying out to God to give us some relief and I just felt completely dark and abandoned inside...I can't explain it other than to say that I just felt as if the world had turned its back on us and we were facing this horror completely alone...it was awful.
We finished this truckload at around 2 am. We headed to the warehouse to unload and I took a load in the car. It was freezing and my hands were numb. James was just dragging. How he found strength to go on was something I just couldn't understand. He was amazing. Arriving at the warehouse it was so quiet - almost haunting. We moved a little slower this time but when we finished we walked outside and it was spitting snow. James told me to go ahead and head back and he would lock the gate. So I left thinking he was right behind me. When I came to the 4 way stop I noticed a policeman was patrolling the area and my heart sank. What in the world would he think of a lone driver in a car and a lone driver in a uhaul pulling out of a warehouse at 3 am on Christmas morning?!? This wasn't going to be good at all. I thought he might stop me but he didn't - he just stared and kept driving. I guess he thought I was helping Santa. I got back home and when James didn't come, I just had a sinking feeling something had happened so I called. Sure enough, the cop had stopped him as he was pulling out of the warehouse driveway. He asked if James still lived at our current address after James had bared his soul identifying the warehouse owner and why he was there. James replied, sir, I do still live there until 10 this morning and that is why I am working all night on Christmas. The policeman let him go - and James was able to get back home -- sigh of relief!
So we thought we had about 1 more load - not so. 2 more loads were left and we still had more stuff. It wasn't incredibly important, but nonetheless, we couldn't leave it for the new owner so it had to be done. Again, I was begging God not to leave us alone in this and was about to cry again. James and I were hurting badly by this time and the animals were sleeping. We kept working but it was slower and slower. At around 8 am or so, one of our neighbors and long time friends drove by and stopped. He walked up and hugged me and apologized for not coming by sooner. He asked if he could help in any way and if it would help if we stored anything at his home in the basement. We told him our situation and what was going down and he left to go get his son's truck and headed back. About 10 minutes later, his sweet wife came in and offered to help as well as their sweet daughter. We had clothes and a few items in the attic left. My strength was gone but their fresh energy gave us the strength to go on. In record time the rest of the stuff was at least out of the house and into the garage, on the back porch or ready to be loaded on the truck.
At that point it was getting very close to 10 am. Our realtor had been trying to reach us to let us know they were coming and wanted to know how close we were to being out. Our cats had disappeared in all the rush and we were trying to get everything loaded and out of there. At 10 on the dot, the new owner and her fiance' walked up the driveway. We were getting the last of our things loaded and I explained what had happened. The new owner was kind but the fiance' was aloof and seemed not to care. I was so tired at that point that I probably misread him but we had done all we could...and God had heard and answered our prayers by sending these dear friends in the nick of time.
We continued to work and it began to rain. All the stuff was out of there but the cats hadn't come back around. Suddenly, out of the woods, my little Mildred came running up. She was hungry and cold and let me pick her up even though she was scared to death. Evelyn was no where to be found and I feared the worst had happened - either she had run away in all the chaos or was hiding in the attic so afraid to come down and with the new people there she might not ever come down and would just die up there from hunger and from being so afraid. My heart sank. I didn't want to leave her but I didn't know what else to do.
James told me to take the others with me and we'd come back later to see if we could find her. The new owner said she would watch out for her and would call if she saw her (I knew she'd be busy and wouldn't do that, but I appreciated her kindness). I cried all the way home. I had promised Evelyn I wouldn't leave her and I felt as though I was abandoning one of my children. I wept. Mildred cried too. It was awful.
We got back to the "borrowed home" and out of our wet clothes and sat down to rest a while. I ended up crying myself to sleep and Mildred stayed right by my side. Our little dog, Cash, was sad too and slept right by James all afternoon. We felt like we had been run over by a train, but that pain was nothing compared to the heartbreak we felt at leaving our beloved cat in the rain and cold or stuck in the attic with strangers in her house...the unknown of that was gut wrenching.
We went back to get some clothes at our neighbor's home a little later and decided to see if we could find Evelyn. The rain was torrential at this time but it didn't matter. I was a "Mom on a mission" and I was going to find my baby if it killed me. We stood outside in the rain calling Evelyn and caught a glimpse of her at our old house. She could hear us but couldn't find us and was so scared and wet. James walked over to her but his umbrella scared her and she ran into the woods. He disappeared to the back of the house and suddenly a flash of lightning hit just near where I thought he was. At that point, I cried out to God again, please don't take my husband too! I screamed for James and he came back around the house and said that lightning was just a little too close for comfort. He went into our neighbor's home and I stayed outside to look for her. When the rain slacked, I walked over to call her, thinking I had seen her. But it was only raindrops reflecting in the light...my heart was just broken.
We left again and I cried all the way home...just knowing we would never see her again. Evelyn was a shelter cat and a stray before she came to the shelter so she has enough feral cat in her to do something like that. We left some food in our neighbor's garage for her in a familiar bowl, hoping that she'd smell it and our scent and know that we didn't forget her. I prayed all the way home too...It had been the worst Christmas ever and nearly losing James to lightning and being unsure of Evelyn's location or whether we'd ever get her back were the tip of the iceberg.
When we got home, I just went to bed. I was exhausted, drenched from head to toe and heartbroken. My body hurt everywhere but especially my heart. Sleep was fitful and leg cramps came often. I had read Scripture desperately trying to find hope and encouragement, I had read posts from my friends hoping they would post a verse that offered something encouraging...God seemed so distant even in the glowing lights of the tree our friend had put up for us to enjoy. Her gift was a sign that said, "Our God is an Awesome God" and I believe that, but I felt that He had other things pressing that kept Him from attending to our needs all the while knowing that it was only God that could make this better. I finally drifted off for a couple of hours while charging my phone.
About 6:30 the next morning, I was wide awake and turned on my phone. About that time a text message came through and it was from our neighbor, telling me that our sweet Evelyn was safe in her garage and that she had eaten and was sleeping in her attic. She wanted me to know that she had to go to work but would leave the door open for me to come and get her. My spirit lifted and in my mind I jumped up to get dressed to go get my baby girl. (I moved slowly, groaned deeply as I pulled on my jeans) but in my mind I was leaping. God had answered my prayer and had brought my baby home. I couldn't wait to go and get her! I decided to surprise James and Mom by not telling them and thought I'd be back before either of them awakened...I should have known...
Going to pick Evelyn up in a car that was low on fuel should have been a simple process - I had $10 in my pocket and could get a couple of gallons and then be on my way...but Mom's car acted up and kept stalling out every time I got my speed up past 40 mph. I was about 3 miles from my neighbor's home when she called to see if I was still coming. I told her I was five minutes which turned into 10. When I got on the road to her house, the car stalled twice! I thought I would never get there - less than a mile and I couldn't get to my baby...
Finally, when I drove in at her house she had left the door cracked but I couldn't get her to the door. I went in and it scared her - but we went into the garage and climbed into the attic and there she was, my beautiful Evelyn. She looked at me long and hard and then walked away. She didn't want to have anything to do with me. We waited and talked a little while she did her thing. Phyllis had to go to work so she left the attic and me with treats for my Evelyn. I asked her if she wanted some and she walked slowly over to where I was. I caught my breath. I was so close to having her back and taking her home with me. When she got close I picked her up and she struggled to get away. She was angry and hurt and didn't understand. I felt it - I knew I had broken her heart. Those of you who don't believe animals have emotions are wrong. This sweet cat was cold and afraid and knew that her mom had left her like that...
Phyllis heard me and came back up and got her from me and took her back down from the attic while I slowly came down (remember I was still stiff and sore from the move)... She held her while I got down and it seemed to calm her some. We put the attic stairs back up when I got down so she wouldn't run back up if she got away. Phyllis held her until we got her into the crate to go home. I was so relieved but my heart was pounding...
At that point the journey home began and Evelyn seemed content to be in a warm car, safe crate and happy to be with me. The car stalled out several times on the way home and by that time, James had sent me a text asking what was going on. I told him and he asked if he needed to come and get us. I stopped and let the car rest at Sonic while I got some tea for us. I felt like everything would be ok by then. It was and we got home safely. What a homecoming it was! Mom had cooked a wonderful breakfast and we all shed tears of joy at having our family complete once again...prayers of thankfulness were offered and we rested with grateful hearts all day long...and have since.
I am grateful for the place to stay because of the unselfishness of dear friends. I'm grateful that my family is together and that we are safe and warm and not hungry. I'm grateful to have seen Bethlehem and where Jesus was born as well as where He was crucified, buried and rose again. I'm grateful to have walked where He walked and experienced the bodies of water He created and experienced. But there's something about being home - especially around special holidays like Christmas and New Year's. I knew in 2009 that God was going to force me to face my greatest fear of being homeless. I begged him not to, but even in Israel, I knew the process was inevitable. I don't know why He wanted me to face this or why James and Mom had to go through it too, but I imagine it was a stronghold for them too.
At one point during the moving process, I posted a thought on Facebook about living in "borrowed housing" and how strange it felt even though I am deeply grateful for it. The Holy Spirit spoke to me that while Jesus was here on earth he was not only born in a borrowed manger but he also died and was buried in a borrowed tomb. That was perspective gained from Scripture I've read many times. Perhaps it's part of the purpose of the trip to Israel, facing homelessness and experiencing the generosity of friends in situations like this that have given more feet to our faith. Maybe it's the beginning of a book that I'll write so that people will understand that mature, grounded Christians who are well educated and appear to have it all together have bad things happen too. Rose garden faith is shallow and unrealistic. If Jesus was tempted, we are tempted. If Jesus suffered, we will suffer. If Jesus lived in borrowed housing, at some point in our lives we all will live in borrowed housing too - your story may not be like mine but you will grow old and likely live with your children or in a nursing home. You may lose your job and need to rent rather than own your home. You may be in the military and live in government owned housing...but if you are a believer, regardless of your home ownership, in reality, this isn't our home -- we all live in borrowed housing. Heaven is our Home.
What I learned in Israel is that we over-complicate Jesus' teachings. He was practical and used examples to teach his people that they would understand and that we can understand too. We over-complicate Christianity too. We place a lot of rules, a lot of expectations and a lot of unrealistic spirituality on ourselves and others when Jesus simply told us to love Him above all things and love our neighbors as ourselves. He told us to seek Him first, to pray and earnestly seek Him to find Him.
What I've learned through this move is that sometimes God allows us to get to the edge of a cliff or the end of our rope so that we can truly see what we're made of and just how much we will trust Him. Sometimes, He lets us live with our "stuff" until we are sick of it so we will turn loose of it willingly. Sometimes, He doesn't answer because the test is if we will just believe even if He doesn't answer. That's the hard one.
Like Job, I cried out and begged God to just kill me and take me home. Like Moses, I got angry because things weren't going my way. Like Abraham, I was afraid. Like David, I've felt very alone and abandoned. But deep within me was a cry that only God could hear. There were no words that man could hear only groanings coming from deep in my soul.
This story isn't over. Yesterday, December 31st my Mom's car completely stalled out when she and James were trying to get to the bank. Once again, a friend came to the rescue. Today, we are in deep need of a financial miracle to pay our bills and a permanent home to live in...
My prayer is that 2013 will bring an end to this season of wilderness dwelling and that we'll be moved into greener pastures very soon.
I hope that those of you who have read this don't feel as though I just needed to vent and tell my troubles because you've missed the point if you do. I didn't write this to whine - as I said at the beginning, I was just thinking over the vast contrasts of highs and lows that 2012 brought my way and decided to write it on here in the hopes that it might encourage someone else who may be dealing with similar circumstances or vasts contrasts as well and trying to make sense of it.
The truth is, if I tried to make sense of all this, I could spend an eternity doing so - I don't think that would honor God. I believe He just took us to a place where we had no other choice but to trust Him to get us through -- not man, not self, not money, not resources -- simply God.
Faithful living ain't for sissies and I ain't no sissy even though sometimes I want to be one....Be blessed in the name of Jesus! Happy New Year!! Amy
