I'm not sure that I met this valley with deep fear or sadness because it would have been so very selfish of me to have held my mother and father to this world when Heaven awaited them and so did complete healing. Instead, I met this valley with a sense of numbness and an uncomfortable freedom that I have not had in my adult life or really any part of my life as far back as I can remember.
No longer being someone's daughter has caused me to have a loss of identity. There's a part of my make up that always wanted to please my parents by being a person of integrity, successful, beautiful and a person who used my gifts and talents to the fullest extent of my ability. There's a part of me who realizes that while I made a great effort, I never fully accomplished those things and that makes me sad. Now that they are no longer physically a part of my life anymore, I have realized that pleasing them was a large part of the reason behind doing a lot of the things but I was deceved into thinking that I wanted to do them. I've just begun to realize that I don't have to do those things anymore...and maybe that I never really did. I'm not talking about morality or integrity here. I don't want to rebel, I don't want to be anything less than those things, but what I've begun to look at more strongly is the use of my gifts and talents - and I'm beginning to realize that I've forgotten...
There was a time in my life that I used to sing just because I loved to sing - I wasn't pursuing a career, I wasn't trying to impress anyone or send a message or share the Gospel. I just sang because it was fun. There was a time in my life when I loved painting walls and rearranging furniture and making a worn out piece of furniture beautiful - not to impress anyone or sell it or get a return for my investment in a home - but rather, out of the sheer joy of creating something beautiful that once had little to no value. I used to bake cakes and brew salsa just because it all tasted good, not just to prepare a meal and eat so that I could rest and veg out in front of the tv and clear my head of the stresses of the day. I could continue, but the point I'm trying to make is that I have forgotten how to just enjoy living. Have you?
I've begun to question whether the church I have attended for nearly 30 years is the place I'm called to serve from here forward or if God is leading elsewhere. Suddenly it no longer feels like home anymore and I'm detached and disconnected from what used to be a place of safety and familiarity. I've begun to sift through my own beliefs to see areas of conviction and areas of freedom I never saw before now. I've begun to question my calling to ministry and what exactly that means...and whether seminary is really where I need to be or if I need to just get in the trenches in missions.
God has shaken me at the foundation of my being and I needed it. He has begun to show me the darkness of doing things out of a sense of obligation not out of the outpouring of love and how quickly works - even good works - can cause frustration and anger when He has not been at the root of it....and that can be ministry too.
A lot of us have grown up as good kids who subscribed to such legalism in our walks with the Lord. We had to do and be and say all the right things or else risk condemnation. Some of us put this pressure on ourselves and chose professions that were noble, knowing full well we weren't going to be happy or fulfilled in those professions. Others of us chose to fly under the radar and not achieve because it felt too far out of reach and it was just easier to settle than strive.
Is this a mid-life crisis? I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm in a place right now where I'm sifting my passion for music, my call to ministry and the absence of fun in my life. Recreational fun.
I have forgotten how to play. I've forgotten how to just do things out of sheer enjoyment without obligation. I don't know how to rest or relax without multi-tasking. I'm unable to fully engage in a creative project without worrying about the cost or the budget - so I just don't do them anymore.
I miss that part of myself...but I honestly don't know where to begin....
I had a dream the other night and I think that this is what God was showing me. I have forgotten how to just be. Everytime I get close to rediscovering that part of my humanity, I get stalled in the name of responsibility, ministry, man-pleasing and serving God and step back over into the darkness of adulthood....and I grow sad and angry and resent it.
I wonder - Have you fogotten too? Is all this anger and rage that we see on social media and in the news coming out because others have forgotten how to just be or how to play and enjoy living and actually liking life on this big planet God created for us to enjoy. This isn't about abandoning our responsibilities or quitting our jobs. This is about reconnecting with who we are, how God made us and that He made us to enjoy Him and glorify Him in all that we say, do and are....take a moment to look around you -- look at the beauty and creativity of His Creation and see His joy in creating these things for our enjoyment - the humor, the color, the music, the aesthetic beauty, the sound, the smell the sight of it all -- it's amazing! And yet, how many of us forget to notice...forget to thank Him, forget to enjoy it...see my point?
You know, if we're not careful, we can gain the whole world and lose our souls - the part of our humanity that is childlike - filled with wonder. If we get bogged down in the hardness of living, we can lose our direction and become angry, resentful and just tired. I think that's what has happened to me....and that's hard for me to admit. I've been so focused on being the "good child" that I've forgotten to be just the child....
I'm tired. I'm weary and I'm worn - and I'm confessing that a big part of it is because I've forgotten how to play. I don't know how to start and that makes me want to weep for days. I think I'm afraid to cry because I know it will be a flood and won't end. I'm afraid to feel because it hurts too much.
Adulthood is hard. Adult Orphanhood is different and uncomfortably free. I know I'm not the only one out there who is walking in this valley. Have you forgotten too?
Take a moment to read Matthew 6, focusing particularly on verses 24 through 34 and you'll see it. We can't serve two masters - money and God. We can't just be grown ups all the time and lose our sense of wonder - Consider the birds and the lilies (Creation) - take a minute to look at them in all their glory - Remember that God created them and he will take care of them - and us too....
I ask for your prayers as I learn to be a child again. Not childish - but a child. Lord fill my heart with wonder and awe, so I can see and create and enjoy living again.... oh how I miss it!
Now go - go have fun -- eat dessert first!
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